To ‘achieve’ without needing to believe something is yours – that is unconditional love.

Numbing is deflecting, it’s holding others responsible for your inability to address the issues that are preventing you from moving on. It’s trying to disprove what you already know. Healing is trying to work with what you realize is inevitable.

공허해.

As I face the morning, I realize once again
What wakes me up is not you but an alarm bell

My reflection in the mirror
(There’s no smile on my face)
Is so empty, as if there’s nothing there
 
I walk alone on the street
But this empty street feels so empty
(It’s quiet just like my heart)

Good days and sad days
Hard days and happy days

It’s like I came back to reality
My reason to live is gone, my head is complicated
When I open my eyes in the morning, my heart feels empty
I feel the emptiness, just like I did before I met you

You still flicker before me when I close my eyes
But I’ll feel less and less as time goes by
 
I don’t regret it, I’m just a bit sad
I don’t miss you, I just long for you

I’m more and more afraid because I’m not like myself before
(There’s no smile on my face)
I’m scared to see myself getting weaker
(It’s quiet just like my heart)
 
Without you, even the air around me is heavy

My love, where are you?

Don’t forget me (don’t forget me)
Let’s meet again.

나의 젊은 날의 사랑은 이렇게 끝이 나네요.

"Don't act like its such a bad thing to fall in love with me"

These days, this is all I feel like doing.

But if I was as cute a this rabbit doing it, I'd be happily doing it. Too bad I'm not cute like the bunny. Cute bunnies. Look at it. Keep looking at it. It'll make your day just slightly better.

I'm going.

"You cannot prove how much you love by
how much you’re pained over loss.
That you do not prove your character by
how well you can convince other
people you’re doing the right thing."

We're slowly getting there, slowly getting there. If I wasn't me, I'd bitch slap myself right now.

12.03am.

"You are left with a kind of nothingness, 

as though you are holding your breath, 

but do not want to exhale because then it will be over."

"the lover's in love, and the other's run away,
the lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay."
--Lisa Loeb, Stay

Okay, I'm really trying to reduce the emo posts, but it really doesn't seem to be happening because I am really nothing but sad for now. For now. For how long, I don't know. But for now, that seems to be all that I am.

Answers are scary, no answers are scary, wrong answers are scary, right answers are even scarier. A long time ago, there would be a slow wave of relief coming over me. But now I've just gone so far down the road that even that slight relief has been overtaken. There's a part of me that wishes I could be angry, still angry, like how I was so angry. But even the anger have been extinguished by time. I wish I was still angry because that is easy to handle. You can hit something, scream a little, break something and it'll just pass. This currently unidentified feeling, is just unbearably hard to pull through.

I need to stop being pathetic. I received a slap from reality that day that came in the form of a question. 

"Where is your pride?" 

HAHA. I swear this is the most ironic question to ask me right now. I wanted to laugh out loud (and cry) so bad at the point of time. Pride. Yes. Where did it go? I technically kicked it out of my life (for awhile) because it sounded like the right thing to do, but it's still a mystery to me. Where's pride supposed to be in our life? I'm in the very slow process of finding pride again, the quality that used to be the backbone of my personality. While it diminished, I have no idea what I became.

Okay. Maybe I can allow another 4-5 emo posts before I stop wallowing? 

I really don't need this kind of judgement right now. 

The Last Time.

This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong,
This is the last time I say it's been you all along,
This is the last time I let you in my door,
This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore.

--Taylor Swift & Gary Lightbody

Fleeting kindness.

Sometimes I find myself a little too slow in putting on a smile for fleeting kindness.

To illustrate, the other day, my mum and I were having dinner and this elderly lady comes over and hands us a serving spoon, despite how we've already been using our own spoons and forks to serve ourselves. I didn't have a smile on my face, I was having a pretty sad day. And when she came over and put the spoon down, I didn't form a smile fast enough to let it show that I appreciate her kindness. As she turned away, I realize she didn't see my half-smile and she didn't hear my thank you which made me even sadder. 

Fleeting kindness, it comes and goes so fast that by the time you realized you've been on the receiving end of kindness, it's too late to show appreciation. Don't forget.

I guess what I can learn from this is: 

1. Always prepare a smile despite the mood you're in. People still deserve kindness, in the form of a smile, a thank you, a kind face (haha).

2. Don't be too blind sighted by the horrible things in the world, there's still glimpses of good. 

3. Try to not have sad days (haha).

Some kindness are so blatant, so sincere, those are easy to see. Those kindness that are so disguised and so easily overlooked, we will never know the full intentions of a person, whether good or bad. Despite that, I may still stick with the way I try to find the good in people, no matter what bad your eyes see or you ears hear.

There is a certain amount of disappointment and hurt that a heart can contain. I know, for sure, that by the time we reach this age (early twenties, and for some people, even earlier in life) that we already have suffered so much of these heart wrenching pain and we spend so many of our studying years just holding back, protecting, building this fortress around our hearts so we don't go through all that again. As flawed as humanity is, people are made in the way where their hearts react to love. No matter what kind of love, you'll find yourself being able to feel something else that's not pain anymore. I think its important to remember that moment you break a hole in that fortress again and start to look out. 

That moment matters, because when you look back, you'll remember that you can do it, you can let your heart love again. Everything looks better in hindsight. I'm saying this because, well.. everyone knows what will happen. You will get hurt (again) and you will be disappointed again, and there's honestly nothing you can do to prevent it. Because not loving is just not an option. We were made to love. That's why so many people spend their entire lives just trying to love something. Be it their job, their pets, their children, their lovers, Kpop, football, Dota, fashion, themselves... everybody loves something.

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care.

                                       --Cat Stevens, Wild World

I read recently, that women love with their ears whereas men love with their eyes. And that's just exactly how the world is.


                                                                                                                                Remember to love.

Captivating.

"You haven't forgiven me."

"Yes, I have."
"You don't love me anymore."

"Yes."
"Are you sure?"

"Yes. But I feel an infinite tenderness for you. I always will. My whole life."
"Leave whenever you want. No, really. I won't bother you again."

"You're not bothering me."
"Get going."

********

If everyone knew the beauty each one possesses, maybe we'd all feel less pain. 

The biggest lie of satan is "oh, but you are alone". 

“Schlussmacher”

“Even if I miss her, she was the one who broke up with me.”
“Oh, come on Paul. That wasn’t a break up, that was a cry for help.”

Hello, stranger.

Did you forget already? 

 This picture says it all, exactly where I am.

Surge of overwhelming emptiness.

I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?

Oh, won't you stay with me?

I'm lying here in a bed that only smells of familiarity, yet it doesn't have a place for me anymore. Crashing into the one place I'm not allowed to be, yet I have nowhere else to go. Everything is so.. familiar. My heart beats in a crazy rhythm, filled with a mixture of complacency and remorse. 

Will it all become mere memories? How much time do I have left? When is the time to go? 

Certainly not now. 

"어디 있나요? 행복했어요, 

잊이말아요, 다시 만나." 

8.

...that the kind of pain without open wounds or broken bones
hurts the most and leaves the biggest scars.

This will be our story. The story of our undying, yet impossible love.

"She likes life, she doesn’t need a fancy lifestyle to be happy — she just needs you."

 

roaming around.

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win

"Ain't nobody gonna love you like I do."

I've been following this blog for awhile now, recently gotten reminded by my sister that I haven't read the last post because they delayed it. Its such an eye opening experiment.

Maybe she reminds me a little about myself, but not entirely. I've never used to be the person who wanted it all. But now.. I probably am. Haha, the power of change. He reminds me a little of me too, the kind of fear and the part where he says he 'gets' to them before they 'get' him. Basically, he dumps them to prevent feeling abandoned when he feels it isn't working out. I'm also begin to understand her 'accommodating' attitude, but the only difference was that the guy actually hated it. Lol, I've been in both their shoes before. What I like the most about the two of them is that they seem to know and understand each other so well and have actual, real concern about what's best for the other. They were honest throughout it all with each other, and how they opened up. I love how mature both of them are, with dealing with their feelings. If only I could make myself, hah. I love how he understands that she has a 'need to know' and that she can't just not talk about it or ignore it and he actually brings it upon himself to make sure she gets what she needs, that's quite rare in a man. I love how he loves her, yet he knows he can't be with her.

They were so cute together, despite all the differences. So happy, and so sad. Maybe I'm also a hopeless romantic who wanted a happy ending at the end. But, when it didn't happen, it just shows me how real love can be and how reality can change everything no matter what it is that you feel. Its a lesson worth learning. Their story resonates with me more because they are so real. Real people with real feelings and real lives that get messy and sad and yet they have each other. Just... real.

I actually still really, really want to experience this experiment. Except I probably can't afford to pay for couple therapy. Does anyone has actual time and interest in doing this? 

Read it though. Its really cool.

_____________________________

So, I've came down with this crazy migraine everyday that occasionally becomes a fever and I think my tonsils are swollen again, yet I have no idea what exactly is wrong with me. Exhaustion, maybe? Haha, funny. Sleep deprivation? Should I get it checked? I sit at home alone and I'm scared of what's happening to me. So, physically I'm probably dying. Mentally, I'm probably like uhmm..

Like that. See the smile on the guy who's hanging by a thread? Dying, yet smiling. Yeah, something like that. This isn't exactly pretense, this is overcoming. I think I know things are actually really bad when even my mum calls to ask me how I am from time to time. Its scary because my mum usually ignores my moodiness and excuse it for my character or just because I'm cranky from the lack of sleep. But I can tell, this time its not the same. She actually gave me a hug that yesterday. And she does call to check if I'm still alive or something. That, she's never used to do. I wonder if she knows anything, hmmm. I'm not sure if I want to know though. I just want to get better, find some form of joy.

"Give them the freedom to have a life outside of you and make the choice to keep you in it—not as an option or the one they throw leftovers to, but the one constant they hold on to every single day."

 "God loves you,
don't give up." 

I'll still have to fight my own demons.

Loss.

To continue..

Then I came back, spent way too little time thinking about which major to choose and.. that's that. While on the other hand, upon our return back to KL, we received news that my grandma was admitted into the hospital and she was in a critical condition. So there were a lot of trips to the hospital, a few scary phone calls. My aunt and the cousins came back from UK to see her. I think it was more like, to spend her remaining time with her. My grandma actually has stomach cancer and has been suffering from kidney failure. She's fought a long and hard battle and her time was up. 

Honestly, all I was thinking the whole time was "I don't want to attend another funeral". 

On the 23rd of July 2014, in the morning, she has returned to the Lord. It was a painful loss at the end of it, despite it not being a shock. Knowing there was nothing more to be done and all we could do was just to wait for her time to come. Maybe a little bit of "I didn't take care of her more" or "I wasn't around enough and now she's no longer here". Arriving at the hospital, yet I didn't arrive with a hello.

The funeral and all, proceeded and it was a slow, sad experience. Despite all that, in the back of my mind, there was a small breathe of acceptance; that she was in a better place now, that she's no longer suffering. That's the most important part of it all. She's lived long, 87 years.

I miss her. But its okay. 

I think everybody should always remember how they were once loved. 
Back when you still knew that there's someone who loves you. 
That's the love you have collected over the years.

Involuntary solitude.

For a moment in time, a few weeks ago, it was easy to write down my irrelevant thoughts. But now, its hard enough to construct a proper sentence to just explain what I'm feeling or thinking. My brain capacity seem to have died with whatever that was remainder of my social life, haha. 

So, it feels like so much have been going on, but actually I haven't been doing much. Just being consumed by my own thoughts and overflowing emotional stress. Firstly, uhm. I don't even know how to begin. Coming back from Singapore... oh wait. I haven't even blogged about Singapore. 

Okay, fine. Quick one. Singapore to me was a quick vacation, a small runaway, a little escape, a form of healing. Because it seems, I had such a hard time trying to find peace within myself, within the four walls of my room.

Also, family trip! And I have been wanting to visit Universal Studios for like ever. 

 And to Far, Far Away. It was a good trip, generally. With a lot of walking, so much walking. And in a new place too, so that was a lot of fun to me; to be able to see another side of Singapore that I would technically have no reason to go to on my own anyway. We stayed at Clarke Quay, and there's alot of tourists there. Also managed to bump into a very old friend, oh the irony of the world. 

 Genuine smiles. 

Trying to shut out my own mind for awhile, while letting it run freely on its own. Everywhere I went there were reminders of a brief bittersweet memory, and just reminders of my current situation. In other words, there's nowhere to run wan la. Just face it head on.

 I know what people would say like I'm too skinny or whatever, but I really liked how my legs look in this whole trip. HAHA. Sorry, a little vanity slipped through my fingers. Visiting the nature, seeing it all again in daylight, good times. In the end of everyday was just tired feet. 

Also, one of the reasons for planning this trip at such a timing was to attend Becky's wedding. Ahh, how we've grown up, grown old. I remember the time when I meet her in her teens, and here I am now, officially an adult and attending her wedding. Nostalgic. 

 Heh, I was a little too tall, awkwardly bending. Ahh, so much beauty in seeing people choose their life partners and love. And that leads me to think about the future, marriage and all. Hmmm. I think this trip was a fulfilling one, all the past, present and future. Or, I'm just trying to sound positive. Forever is a long time, you know. 

The long lines and all the time spent waiting, I wish the rides were more... exciting. Lol. And also, we managed to get mummy go to on most of the rides with us. She bailed on the mini-rollercoaster which was.. pretty thrilling. Haha, I came down acknowledging that I am now older and not so "on" as last time. Finding food was always the problem I think. Where's the food at? That's one thing I will never learn about Singapore.

This trip was actually laced with a lot of hurt, but its what makes it so special to me. Now I'm back and still I have no idea what's in store for me, but like I said just now, have to face wan la. The semester has started and still things were going rough for me. I'll keep that for the next post.

“Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He’s very dreamy, but he’s not the sun. You are.” -- Sandra Oh, Grey’s Anatomy

"You stupid or what?"

 Exactly what I'm feeling right now.

"You love hard, and you fight hard, right? That’s what love is supposed to be. And that’s the kind of love you’ll seek over and over, the kind that burns when it touches you, because it’s the only thing that feels real."

Tired, so tired.

Love beautifully.

I've been trying to pen down my thoughts about everything that has been going on. Trying to assess my own actions and intentions. But I really don't know what to say. I think I'm just trying really hard to be right. One of the kind of habits I have never been able to change or remove from my life...yet.

I thought it was all getting better, but why do the people around me still make it seem like I'm still the same? I smiled like I meant it.

Today I'm just having one of those really bad days. I hurt emotionally and physically. The weather is really taking a toll on everyone. Sigh. Fever, go away!

I want to be happy, too.

The semester has started and I'm not feeling it yet. I always /want/ to go through the entire semester hardworkingly, and do it well. But like every other student, we stop halfway. This has been a big problem for our generation. Hmmm. It's only the first week and I've fallen sick. So much motivation right now -.- it's been kinda lonely though. Too much silence on my part. I don't know how to do it anymore.

To better days ahead.

 

You can't teach someone how to love you.

Being strong is overrated.

Lets be weak.

I'm not used to this. I'm not sure if I want to.

"And maybe it made you feel good to be someone else’s savior. It’s a bittersweet feeling to give someone the very thing you need so much in other people."

I love you.

Don't stop.

"I listened to his heart beat when he slept and I loved him for every fingernail, eyelash and scar. He is so talented I can feel it when I touch him and intelligent without needing to prove it by talking just to hear the sound of his own voice, he is quick and funny and brave enough to love a girl who is a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle that only comes with 999 pieces. Sometimes I think he could be the 1000th." 

The person who wrote this, beautiful, heart throbbing-ly painful paragraph, is still so young, from reading her story. Every love we feel at every part of our lives are the most real, most true to us, at that point in time and their love sounds so beautiful, so real, from her point of view. I honestly wish her story ends well, I'm not being a killjoy here, but it generally doesn't. At least not at that age. Maybe she'll have that special story. Who am I to say? I'm only at the beginning of my journey, too.

I'd die happy (when I actually do die) if someone ever wrote something like that about me. Its so temporary, still so beautiful, and I would always read it just to remember the person that I was at that point of time.