#truth

 I read this a long time ago, I didn't find a good time to post it before this, maybe there was too much to lose. And now there's none. There's so much nonsense going on. I'm trying to channel my inner Cinderella - "Have courage and be kind." 

Hah. Haha. I think I looked too deep into the movie, its just a movie. And its just Prince Charming, the one who only exists in fairy tales with the happy endings. Reality is a cruel bitch. 

Okay, sorry. Rant over. 

 Okay, don't judge yet. This is indeed a random picture of myself in a blog post that is all about myself, so maybe its not so out of place. And its not a pretend emo picture, it was a candid I accidentally tapped the screen. Furball is one of the best things that's happened to me. It was worth it, to have him back with me. He sits there and rolls around and grins at me in his bright orange glory.

Maybe its a bit too soon,
and I'm still a little too broken.

Can't handle that?

"You made life worth living."

Someday, someone is going to say that to me. I think I mean those words quite often, I just don't say them very often.

I was told some strange things about myself recently. Its only strange because suddenly I felt like somebody saw me. But still nobody hears me.

"What if I had a thing on the side?

Made ya cry?

Would the rules change up?

Or would they still apply?

If I played you like a toy?

Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy

Keep a straight face when ya tell a lie
Always keep an air-tight alibi
What he don't know won't break his heart"

-- Ciara, Like a Boy

Still putting on a smile.

And so I became the girl who leaves, before I’m left. 

But I hope that someday I’ll meet someone who’ll make me stay.

In the arms of a stranger.

I have cried an ocean for you but still your ship refuses to sail.
— Michael Faudet

Sometimes I find myself falling asleep with you in the back of my mind and then I dream weird dreams, all of it about you. I understand time needs some time to do its work, so I'm not complaining yet. One day when the dreams stop, I'm sure I'd probably still miss your face. 

I can do it.

I can do it.

I can do it.

I can do it.

Its been rather tiring lately, and I'm expecting worse to come later. The semester is slowly picking up. The to-do-list is getting longer and my head still can't find its way back yet. Ugh, the struggle is real. Trying to re-prioritize and put everything back in place. Trying to pull my head back to where I am right now, instead of where it used to be.

Distractions everywhere, all I'm looking for is a way out but every exit is just another entrance to another maze. Life is so interesting, all the people and all the lives and all the stories. See what I did there? The optimism I just tried to input into my head? Yeah, one step at a time. 

So, quick update. I've spent quite a bit of time with my lovely best friends, those two who came back Melbourne a bit... cute. Haha. 

My precious support system, the ones who listen and speak wise words and writes lists of bad advices. I love you guys.

Chinese New Year was a rather quiet one this time around, but I think I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. Its sort of nice, sort of peaceful. 

February was a crazy little month. Two months into the year and I'm still finding myself, now more than ever. It was a pretty busy month, I think I need to sit down and find some time for myself and clear up my thoughts again, put myself into perspective. Ugh, its like a someone just pressed the restart button.

I'm gonna bury myself in lots of work and see how the rest of March turns out. Also, in lieu of my recent life changing experience, I did one of the most cliche things also. 

Tried to change up my hair a little :D

Wasting away.

"How are you?"
"Sick of answering that question, but otherwise, like shit. How're you?"

Don't be confused by that quote, nobody's actually asking me anything but I still feel like shit anyway. I can't even decide whether I like it that way or not. My brain just sort of decided to die on me. 

When did it get so hard to be happy? On second thought, it was always hard. I just want it now more than I ever did before.

I'm expecting a series of emo posts coming, but I really still haven't figured out what to do with myself or my thoughts, or my lost pieces of a heart. Maybe there's nothing to say. Its true though, no amount of preparation will ever be able to prepare people for heartbreak.

I need a big, healthy distraction. This will be one hell of a terrible month.

I really miss my furball. 

"I do not feel ashamed"

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way


I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Recently I've been hooked on this song, Bitch by Meredith Brooks, because the word has been ringing in my head over and over again. Very, very brave song. Mmm.

On other news, the semester is finally beginning. I am returning once more as a full time student with an indefinite plan to continue as a part time worker. This will, once again, be one hell of a semester.

Let's go. 

Musings

“We cross our bridges as we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and the presumption that once our eyes watered.”
—Tom Stoppard, Rosencratz and Guildenstern Are Dead

The job's putting a lot of strange thoughts in my head, showing me people and behavior that I've never had the chance to encounter. Looking at the staff, looking at the customers, looking at the managers, there's a lot to learn out there. Looking at each different race, looking at foreigners, different cultures, its all quite amusing. 

I see these Arabic customers and how the husbands always watch out for their wives. Whatever that is happening to the wives, they are watching. The wives raise their hands, the husbands hold the hand for me to tie the ticket on. They make sure that everything done for the wife is done well. You speak to them, they answer along with the wives. They always stretch out their hands for their wives/girlfriends, always let them walk first. They always wait for their wives to come before they walk or go anywhere else. Its rare to see a couple go anywhere without holding hands. The wives are also seemingly mutually always holding onto the husband all the time.

But there's a catch to this, they are also extremely possessive. Some wives don't allow girls to wear the tickets on their husbands, some (read: most) husbands don't allow other guys to wear it for their wives. I've actually seen the wives glare (but not in a threatening way, more like a 'you're touching my man' way) at the girls who are wearing the wristband. Some wives are very cute. But you know what's cuter? Their babies! Omg the babies, they have the prettiest faces ever, so so cute its impossible not to smile at them.
(DISCLAIMER: This is all personal opinion and observation and only spoken in general. There are others who are not what I mentioned above, and that's okay too.)

I've been feeling rather alone, rather lonely. Eat alone, walk alone, wander alone, do everything alone. If I were really to think about it, its not the job I'm complaining about. The job has its pros and cons. In fact, I think its a good job to have if you were alone (oh, the irony). There's people everywhere, there's some good looking people here and there. There's random uncles who flirt at you, there's random boys who check you out, there's random compliments thrown here and there. The security guards seem to like me alot, the foreign workers are really friendly to new faces, the ghost house boys flirt with the girls here and there. There's a lot going on, sparsely, but still.. things like that actually can make your day. Everybody is actually really friendly.

"You're so beautiful today"

"Eh tepi, perempuan cantik nak jalan lah"

Even just, "thank you so much" is a nice thing to hear and it really makes my day. It is a very humbling job.

There's of course though, the people who are just kinda gloomy. Reminds me of me, but I don't think I won't react at all if someone speaks to me though, or if I saw someone smile at me, even from obligation. Then, there's the impatient customers, the angry customers, the bored customers, shy customers. And then, there's those really happy, bubbly ones. Good and bad days when it comes to customers. I think this is what makes it exciting though. Just today, there was these two Malay (?) guys who asked me for information yesterday and I spoke to them in my very broken Malay and today they saw me and they were so joyous "eh remember I tak?", you can see their faces light up when they suddenly realized it was me. It was like a 4 second exchange but yet it makes my day just a tad less miserable.

I think this is a very tricky topic. To think that these people who are placed there to service you, sometimes we think its very easy to overlook them. Like nobody would even remember that you were the one who gave them directions an hour ago. But occasionally, they actually do see you and they hear you and they remember you. That's the reason people do this job, I guess. You can put a smile on someone's face and people can put a smile on your face too. This will indeed be a great experience/memory to me. 

This kind of feeling is the all-famous "lonely when you're surrounded by people" feeling. Hmm. 

"Ahh good, you're already smiling, I don't need to remind you to smile."

I'm writing this post a little too early since I actually haven't finished working there yet. But its okay, I've gotten the feel of it and I don't think I will change my mind.

Indifference is a crime.

 “If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?”

With the new year and all, since it is January, I've fallen into a lot of thought. Thankfully I'm tired enough every other day so far to not fall prey to insomnia, but I know these thoughts lead me somewhere. I have a hypothesis that in January, people are either motivated like a chipmunk (i'm pretty sure that is an inaccurate comparison) or just.. indifferent about their entire year or, more precisely, the previous year of their existence. Well, January really got me thinking weird stuff.

I think a lot of all the things that went on in the previous years, and the previous post didn't really reflect all my thoughts, but its not like this post will (fully) either. 

That quote up there, was particularly intriguing to me. There's all these posts about how precious time is and how it is the best thing to offer someone because its something you can never have back and all. And then I just read this article about how guys (this was a 'how to be a better boyfriend' article, excuse the gender usage because I think it would apply to both gender) should be grateful and spend time with their girlfriends and not give lame excuses like "i'm tired" because she is willingly taking out her rest time to spend it with him, too. And that is something to appreciate. I think I may have scoffed at that. 

As a girlfriend, I have to undeniably understand that statement because, yes, from a human perspective, assuming both of us have our own commitments, I think couples spending time together is a mutual gift. Its so selfish for one party to say "I'm giving you my time and you tell me you don't want to spend it with me?" like as if the other person wouldn't be using their time on their partners too. Actually, I don't even know why couples should argue about these things. Shouldn't two people who love, care and miss each other just sincerely want to be with each other? Why should it be a show of who's sacrificing time, who's doing more, who's doing anything? I think this itself would be a big red flag to any relationship already. 

Also, I think it is important for people to remember, that they can lose somebody any day. Never be so secured in your relationships that you take people for granted thinking they will never leave you, even in the truth that they may never, always treat them as something to hold on to. 

Communication! How is it that we are social beings and yet now we find it so hard to communicate with each other? Sure, we can all play the blame game and pin it on technology. But our minds have changed completely. Since when talking about feelings, or god forbid, having feelings, makes someone weak? Since when do people get bored of having feelings?

I will not have someone throw me around like a toy, I will not have someone who doesn’t enjoy me, I don’t want someone who doesn’t like to talk to me, I don’t want someone who doesn’t think of me, doesn’t think for me. But first, I have to become someone like that.

I just want someone to see me as beautiful. Like.. along with all my ugly, still see me beautiful.

There's just a lot of random thoughts in my head and I can't get them in order. Working in a new environment now, lets me see a lot of people. I would like to hope that this weird, temporary, small job would restore some of my faith in humanity. I see these people and they're just so happy to go in and play, the smile on the children's faces and it makes me feel so warm and fuzzy that I am able to be a part of it. It really makes a different when you smile at them and they smile back at you. Probably this is the joy of the service industry. FYI, since it was never mentioned, I started working at Sunway Lagoon three days ago.

So much thoughts and no place to go. My brain storage feels full, although scientifically it cannot be.  Is it weird that I feel so unsafe? Like.. nowhere is safe and no one is safe?

I used to take pride in practicing apathy. I really, really didn't have any care for most people in the world, or anything at all. I know now how selfish and dumb it was. Indifference is not something to be proud of. 

Forgive me, this post is all over the place. Here's a misplaced picture to end the post.

I made that heart tree. Like it doesn't have leaves but it has a heart. I don't even know what it means. Like.. The heart grows on a tree, so you can grow love? Or the heart is as sturdy as a tree but can still be torn down by humans? Or the heart is placed up in a tree because it needs to feel safe and needs actual effort, such as climbing up the tree, to be obtained?

Hold tight, it's gonna get hard to breathe
And never, never let you drown

Even if we're going down
Hey oh, never let go of me
When I'm sinking.

--Rough Water, Travie McCoy

It's 2015.

And I think, nothing's changed.

Its sort of the 3rd day to a new year now. There's all these quotes about a new chapter and all, some people close the book completely to start a new one. I think its just all One Life seamlessly strung together by time. The years that passes by don't make a difference... most times. This year I have reached my 2nd double digit birthday. Yeah, sure I'm getting older. I wish my mind grows with it too. But the body shouldn't grow, haha, just remain the same. Unless I'll be growing vertically.

It's a (few days passed) new year. Its the time of the year to evaluate the entire year that has gone by, so slowly and quickly and heart wrenchingly and mind blowingly. 2014 was a hell of a year for me, but if I were to really think back, doesn't everyone say that every single year? The thing about the past and present is, when it passes again, we get to compare the past with the recent past. Perhaps the other years were more mellow than the last. 2014 was a whirlwind, tornado, tsunami, year filled with madness. And I do literally mean madness. What an interesting 21 year old I was indeed.

 I just read through my 2013 annual evaluation blog post. My memory was so good then, maybe that's one thing that changed. My mind's decided to focus so much on something, and it just ceases to remember anything else. Not good, not good.

Lets give it a shot.

January. 

Apparently I didn't blog much in January, I barely remember. I guess I was just dating a lot. Siew Min's wedding. Chinese New Year, and that random drive up to Cameron's on the way back. Also I think it was January that I frequented the clubs quite often, haha. I think I was a little like "Whoopee I'm 21, no one can stop me now" for awhile. Just a little. Also the time when I chopped off half of my hair, also the time I was probably very happy. I was happy to start the year of the way I did. 

February. 

Had the most fancy Valentine's Day I've ever had, not sure if it'll get any more fancy than that anymore. Kristal and Jo came back. And it was Chinese New Year, a very new one for me, grateful nonetheless for all the experience and the sort of acceptance from people I may or may not see again. 

March. 

I don't even remember what happened here either. The semester started and I was being lazy. I think I started emo-ing then. Otherwise, I went to see Big Bang at their fan meeting in Sunway Lagoon. I got my eyes done this year... right? Around this time? No idea. 

April. 

The waters got dirty and the currents got stronger. It was just a continuation of constant sadness at the back of my head. Also... went to Malacca on a random trip with mummy. Was I on the mid sem break? 

May. 

I turned 21! Very, very cool surprise birthday party. I actually think its my first one ever. This is one birthday definitely worth remembering, I felt loved. Other than that... I think nothing happened. Just went to classes, being students, normal and all... and I guess I became sadder. It was also here that we got Burnie I think. 

June. 

I think I would call this month as The Month of Heartbreak. Haha. I don't really remember what happened anymore, I was just sad. Very sad, a little too sad. Or in Omar's word "You being too sad, Jill" in his Arabian accent. Everything I held on to was falling apart, I was losing myself, becoming something I very much hated and didn't want to be. Also, it was mummy's birthday. The least of it, I looked pretty that day, and I enjoyed that day very much, this one I remember clearly. Getting high on Somersby with my mum and all, playing games with strangers, seeing her so happy. 

July. 

Very Terrible Month in the subject of my mental health, lol. There was a lot of stupidity, a lot of crying, a lot of trying, a lot of nothing. I wanted to get away to get away from life so badly there was nowhere I could go to. Thankfully it was some sort of holiday and I chose to at least get out of the country to the nearest other country, Singapore. I was very sad, you know. But it seems my smile was still genuine because I.. was just running away. Thinking I was going to come back to something better, still having hope. And we took an impromptu trip to  Malacca with Daddy. Also, July was the month my grandmother passed away. Sigh.

August. 

The Emo Series (#theemoseries) was birthed that month. I spent a lot of time with Zhan Wei, being very grateful for such a friend. It was like a break month from assignments and everyday after class we just wanted to go and 'play'. Haha. If nobody was up for it, I was always the one who was in it anyway. We would go and have the weirdo food adventures and half the time just end up in Pyramid itself. All we did was walk, shop, talk. I also ate a lot of comfort food. Despite my constant emo-ness, he still willingly spent time with me. I took some crazy 3am drives and just... was on my own, although I wasn't very much myself. I did some really stupid things then that my young and prideful self would have totally disapproved. I'm not proud of those weak moments, yet I know what it meant for me. It is not an experience I will ever want to go through again. I was pathetic and stupid, knowing all too well, but not accepting. 

September. 

This was a month of just.. rebuilding myself. Drowned myself in the heavy workload, spent every other day freezing my butt off in the library, came home, ate dinner on my own, maybe cry, and sleep. I never went out, I never met many people, all I did was work work and work. In hindsight, of course I would say now that it was all worth it because my results have been released. I was getting somewhere, I was alone quite often and I was beginning to hate myself less. I was moving slower than a snail in my process of rebuilding, but I was going somewhere. It was just time for me, and my finals. I hung out with my sister, resumed my clubbing experiences, met new people. Also, it was Joan's birthday. 

October. 

It was like September and October kinda merged into one because I was just all either drowning in my assignments and celebrated when they were handed up one by one. I might have also almost died from sleep deprivation. I was halfway better in October, I began to make plans for myself, still lying on bed, insomniac, thinking back on all the things that went wrong in all the past months and making sure I would never go back that ditch again. I went to Sunway Lagoon, made plans for the time I would have when finals was over, reconnected with people, solved a lifelong regret. 

November. 

Finals happened, oh my god. That was a crazy ride. The Return also happened in November. So much confusion, so much feelings, so much fear, so much crazy. Went to Ipoh on the long mentioned and planned a year ago road trip with the guys from uni, it was an odd trip of missing turns and laughs. I'm not close to anyone of them except Zhan Wei and it still gets a little awkward but I'm always thankful that they accept my presence, all quiet and emo together.And then onto Sarawak, my travel plans for after finals. That was a trip full of more confusion, more thinking, slight frustration, too much sleeping. 

December. 

That was just a couple of days ago. Hmm. It was a month of financial crisis, haha. First anniversary up at Genting, very entertaining cable car ride up and first time in Snow World and failing so miserably at entering the ghost house. Christmas time and New Year's trip to Johor. I went to Legoland! And came back with a big, orange furball (!), and sat on miniature roller coasters. December was a struggle, still proving that I have so much more to learn, and so much more to change, and how I can be so much better... but I am not. Its the end of the year, I'm mildly disappointed at myself for not being the best version of myself, failing so many times, hurting myself and other people. 

**************

Since 2014 was supposed to be The Year of No Repeats, I would dare to say that I have succeeded. I didn't do what I did in the years before, I aimed to be better, which I was, it just wasn't good, and I guess it wasn't good enough. All in all, and in all honesty, I would say that 2014 wasn't that great of a year for me. I'm not blind to the good things that happened, I still know how to appreciate and I learnt many life lessons this year. 

I guess what changed throughout the year is that.. I lost weight. It seems to stand out quite a bit in the pictures too, my face was so fat. I'm already gaining some of it back, but its okay. I learnt not to be stupid (haha! -.-), a little more self righteous, a little less selfish, a lot more stronger. I learnt to protect myself, and love deeper. One very significant lesson I learnt this year... is to ask. Like, you know, ask for things. I still feel like I'm more shallow than I used to be, that my thinking capacity has shrunk and also my kindness has dissipated. That makes me sad, so sad. 

With that said, let's just bury 2014 where it belongs, which is in the past. And look forward to a new year, new things, new experiences, new everything. 

Have a great year ahead. 

But everything's changed.

"All time low"

Warning: Girl post! 

I'm sure every other girl out there (most times) really dread that Time of The Week. I'm not even talking about the actual week, I'm specifically talking about the week before, the ever famous P-M-S. Bad skin, temper tantrums, random mood swings, bloated belly, unidentifiable fatigue. Actually I don't really get mood swings, I'd just be low, all day and all night and rather easily annoyed by every little thing and I just want to snap at people and/or be mope-y like "why doesn't anyone care about me" or "why nobody layan me". I probably just kinda want to be pampered and super cared for and super paid attention to and super fed and super cheered up by or just left alone. See how ridiculous it all sounds? There's no right thing to want, no right thing to say. Everything is just back and forth and I want this and I want that and I want everything.

In my very weak defense, there are actually girls out there who's just sort of permanently like that on a daily basis, its the Princess Disease. I wouldn't say I don't have it, I wouldn't say I have it. I just kinda uhm.. get infected, when all my hormones are just trying to scream "Hey look! You're gonna be bleeding out of your V and be grateful because you're not pregnant!" I can't begin to imagine the kind of creepy hormones that pregnant ladies get. Respect.

It takes a special kind of effort to keep myself in check during that week. But can you imagine? I'll be like waking up, still alright, and then look in the mirror and there's pimples all over and bumps here and there and I'll become annoyed. Imagine you have this unreasonable craving for cake at 3am and there's really nothing you can do about it, more annoyed. Then, you accidentally snap at someone because you're so annoyed and then if its not the right person (a.k.a the person who doesn't really have compassion for pms) then, an argument ensues. And then even more annoyed! Are you getting my drift here? Please try to understand that we really don't enjoy feeling unhappy and upset at everything all day long either. It does really suck not being able to be 'fine'. 

This is a terrible week and just for the sake freedom of speech, this is after all my own blog; To all men/guys/boys who do not know how to appreciate the women and their bleeding uterus, start now. Because babies come from somewhere and it comes from women who have to go through this ridiculous cycle every single month to keep the human race from getting extinct. God made men and God made women and made us to co-exist. Considering all the feminist activities and all that's been very strong this last decade, let us not forget the original roles we were given, both men and women alike.

I try so hard to bite my tongue and manage my expressions and not want to eat excessively, but I still fail once in awhile and in the presence of a loved one (i.e. boyf/husband), its easy to let go. In all honesty, sometimes I do think like "I'm so annoyed and super cranky and he's supposed to love me and I just need a little affection right now, maybe I can stop trying so hard to mask it in." Not the best thought I've ever had, but just... saying. It gets tiring to have to keep it together all the time. Even if its for the best. Please help me, too. 

For the record, I'm not okay with those girls who use the excuse of PMS to get away with everything but neither am I okay with those guys goes 'are you pms-ing?' every time a woman shows some form of emotion.

Okay, rant over.

Its 5am, I'm hungry and I need a hug. 

"A manly man, who allows me to be a girly lady."

I'm nobody's fool.

Sometimes I like to feel a body against mine, warm and real.

I realised I haven't been writing much, like previously I would have drafts and drafts at the least of it before I could really round up what I want to post and actually finish it. Now I barely have drafts even. Also, I've realized that now, more than ever before, I keep collecting regrets. Its really eating me up inside out and I have no idea how to deal with that. I have no idea what's wrong with me also. Was there a certain point in my life that I just sort of accidentally... lost it? 

I was good at it, really. I didn't do things I regret. Then all of a sudden, every other decision would turn out wrong no matter what. The thing is, wrong decisions are fine as long as they don't turn into regrets. I've made many wrong decisions, I didn't regret those mistakes. Now? Ugh. Exhausted. 

What's it going to take? 

Haha. Okay. 

**********

Quick update. I have survived the third semester of my degree, I have not failed any subjects, still on track. Lets keep it that way. *fingers crossed* I always get so close to failing. I have my own definition of failing. It was such a tough semester yet the next will harder, so I've been told. Repeatedly. 

My internship ship has sailed, but I didn't manage to board it. My travel plans were sort of accomplished. 

Road trip to Ipoh with the uni bunch! 

Too many people to fit in a picture. 

And then, Sarawak! 

To the fake beach that was just a fake beach because it was kinda gross, like the kind at Gurney Drive. We just stopped for a few minutes, get wind in my hair, took some "cool" pictures of the sun setting and left. 

Then... there's graffiti, drinks and boat rides and interesting food. 

Ais krim bergula apong, super nice!  

Our slightly unidentified cocktails that were actually all super nice to drink. 

Kong piah? This was really delicious too. 

Following that... 

On to Genting! 

Christmas is coming! 

I got presents to buy and all... but the financial condition is most definitely not helping. I need a job? Yeah, I know. I sleep too much, too little, too wrong. 

p.s. Yay, less emo posts.
Learning to hold my tongue. 

Smile in the pouring rain.

The girl you loved disappeared as a puddle of tears that fell like rain. She vanished into the storm and came out as dew with the morning sun. You can look for her, somewhere in the earth’s waters, but all you will find when you do is your reflection. From there you’ll see the answer in your eyes before your heart even questions why. 

We only stay in love with someone as long as we stay the person who loved them. 

Social experiment: What's wrong with this picture?

Thinking out loud.

To ‘achieve’ without needing to believe something is yours – that is unconditional love.

Numbing is deflecting, it’s holding others responsible for your inability to address the issues that are preventing you from moving on. It’s trying to disprove what you already know. Healing is trying to work with what you realize is inevitable.

공허해.

As I face the morning, I realize once again
What wakes me up is not you but an alarm bell

My reflection in the mirror
(There’s no smile on my face)
Is so empty, as if there’s nothing there
 
I walk alone on the street
But this empty street feels so empty
(It’s quiet just like my heart)

Good days and sad days
Hard days and happy days

It’s like I came back to reality
My reason to live is gone, my head is complicated
When I open my eyes in the morning, my heart feels empty
I feel the emptiness, just like I did before I met you

You still flicker before me when I close my eyes
But I’ll feel less and less as time goes by
 
I don’t regret it, I’m just a bit sad
I don’t miss you, I just long for you

I’m more and more afraid because I’m not like myself before
(There’s no smile on my face)
I’m scared to see myself getting weaker
(It’s quiet just like my heart)
 
Without you, even the air around me is heavy

My love, where are you?

Don’t forget me (don’t forget me)
Let’s meet again.

나의 젊은 날의 사랑은 이렇게 끝이 나네요.

"Don't act like its such a bad thing to fall in love with me"

These days, this is all I feel like doing.

But if I was as cute a this rabbit doing it, I'd be happily doing it. Too bad I'm not cute like the bunny. Cute bunnies. Look at it. Keep looking at it. It'll make your day just slightly better.

I'm going.

"You cannot prove how much you love by
how much you’re pained over loss.
That you do not prove your character by
how well you can convince other
people you’re doing the right thing."

We're slowly getting there, slowly getting there. If I wasn't me, I'd bitch slap myself right now.

12.03am.

"You are left with a kind of nothingness, 

as though you are holding your breath, 

but do not want to exhale because then it will be over."

"the lover's in love, and the other's run away,
the lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay."
--Lisa Loeb, Stay

Okay, I'm really trying to reduce the emo posts, but it really doesn't seem to be happening because I am really nothing but sad for now. For now. For how long, I don't know. But for now, that seems to be all that I am.

Answers are scary, no answers are scary, wrong answers are scary, right answers are even scarier. A long time ago, there would be a slow wave of relief coming over me. But now I've just gone so far down the road that even that slight relief has been overtaken. There's a part of me that wishes I could be angry, still angry, like how I was so angry. But even the anger have been extinguished by time. I wish I was still angry because that is easy to handle. You can hit something, scream a little, break something and it'll just pass. This currently unidentified feeling, is just unbearably hard to pull through.

I need to stop being pathetic. I received a slap from reality that day that came in the form of a question. 

"Where is your pride?" 

HAHA. I swear this is the most ironic question to ask me right now. I wanted to laugh out loud (and cry) so bad at the point of time. Pride. Yes. Where did it go? I technically kicked it out of my life (for awhile) because it sounded like the right thing to do, but it's still a mystery to me. Where's pride supposed to be in our life? I'm in the very slow process of finding pride again, the quality that used to be the backbone of my personality. While it diminished, I have no idea what I became.

Okay. Maybe I can allow another 4-5 emo posts before I stop wallowing? 

I really don't need this kind of judgement right now. 

The Last Time.

This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong,
This is the last time I say it's been you all along,
This is the last time I let you in my door,
This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore.

--Taylor Swift & Gary Lightbody

Fleeting kindness.

Sometimes I find myself a little too slow in putting on a smile for fleeting kindness.

To illustrate, the other day, my mum and I were having dinner and this elderly lady comes over and hands us a serving spoon, despite how we've already been using our own spoons and forks to serve ourselves. I didn't have a smile on my face, I was having a pretty sad day. And when she came over and put the spoon down, I didn't form a smile fast enough to let it show that I appreciate her kindness. As she turned away, I realize she didn't see my half-smile and she didn't hear my thank you which made me even sadder. 

Fleeting kindness, it comes and goes so fast that by the time you realized you've been on the receiving end of kindness, it's too late to show appreciation. Don't forget.

I guess what I can learn from this is: 

1. Always prepare a smile despite the mood you're in. People still deserve kindness, in the form of a smile, a thank you, a kind face (haha).

2. Don't be too blind sighted by the horrible things in the world, there's still glimpses of good. 

3. Try to not have sad days (haha).

Some kindness are so blatant, so sincere, those are easy to see. Those kindness that are so disguised and so easily overlooked, we will never know the full intentions of a person, whether good or bad. Despite that, I may still stick with the way I try to find the good in people, no matter what bad your eyes see or you ears hear.

There is a certain amount of disappointment and hurt that a heart can contain. I know, for sure, that by the time we reach this age (early twenties, and for some people, even earlier in life) that we already have suffered so much of these heart wrenching pain and we spend so many of our studying years just holding back, protecting, building this fortress around our hearts so we don't go through all that again. As flawed as humanity is, people are made in the way where their hearts react to love. No matter what kind of love, you'll find yourself being able to feel something else that's not pain anymore. I think its important to remember that moment you break a hole in that fortress again and start to look out. 

That moment matters, because when you look back, you'll remember that you can do it, you can let your heart love again. Everything looks better in hindsight. I'm saying this because, well.. everyone knows what will happen. You will get hurt (again) and you will be disappointed again, and there's honestly nothing you can do to prevent it. Because not loving is just not an option. We were made to love. That's why so many people spend their entire lives just trying to love something. Be it their job, their pets, their children, their lovers, Kpop, football, Dota, fashion, themselves... everybody loves something.

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care.

                                       --Cat Stevens, Wild World

I read recently, that women love with their ears whereas men love with their eyes. And that's just exactly how the world is.


                                                                                                                                Remember to love.

Captivating.

"You haven't forgiven me."

"Yes, I have."
"You don't love me anymore."

"Yes."
"Are you sure?"

"Yes. But I feel an infinite tenderness for you. I always will. My whole life."
"Leave whenever you want. No, really. I won't bother you again."

"You're not bothering me."
"Get going."

********

If everyone knew the beauty each one possesses, maybe we'd all feel less pain. 

The biggest lie of satan is "oh, but you are alone". 

“Schlussmacher”

“Even if I miss her, she was the one who broke up with me.”
“Oh, come on Paul. That wasn’t a break up, that was a cry for help.”