You're bad news.

"Cause you look like the type of girl that tries to make a bad thing work."
"Some people call it optimism."
"I call it crazy."  -- What's your number?

You thought wrong.

Maybe everyone falls in love with a shoulder to lean on, a warm hug and a soft smile sometimes. Maybe some people fall in love with soft mattresses and wide shoulders and a comfortable chest to lie on. Maybe someone falls in love with fleeting smiles, sweet yet empty promises. Maybe someone falls in love with the memories of a good night.

Maybe nobody falls in love at all. 

It's just the idea that we believe in, the idea that maybe happiness is somewhere out there. 

(no title)

Recently, I went to another wake for another funeral, for another person whom I didn't get a chance to love better. He was such a good man, you can see the life in his eyes and the joy in his cheeky words.

 He used to carry me when I was small and even smaller in size and put me on his neck, he used to play with us and joked with us when we were just clueless kids. In his sufferings, he manages to find life and lived it wholeheartedly. Goodbye, Eddie yee kong. One granduncle I will never forget.

All these funeral things always get me thinking. Who's going to be crying when I go? Will I have a family with grandchildren and best friends? Will I still be loved?

If.

; one of the worst words created in the English language, causes anxiety and creates false hope.

Just a little tired of having to keep it together all the time. 

Just today, today I'm allowing myself to let go a little. 

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you;

I will remove from you your heart of stone

and give you a heart of flesh."

Ezekiel 36:26

 

22.

I don't know about you but im feeling 22
Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you
You don't know about me but I bet you want to
Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22

"I don't know about you but I'm feeling 22
Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you
You don't know about me but I'll bet you want to
Everything will be alright
If we just keep dancing like we're 22.."

Warning : Pretty long post ahead

To kick-start the celebration was a Jaggerbomb train. It was so cool, my first one seeing it done in real life with my best friend and some new acquaintances. Twas' a good night or crazy laughter and stupid games. 

This was actually a week before my actual birthday, with my Rapunzel-haired best friend and her slightly giant boyfriend. Together we can make a pyramid of heads in a selfie. Thank you both for a great night with awesome chicken wings and the long drive back, I love you both!

Following that, mummy came down on a Tuesday to celebrate early with me too.

Also celebrated an early Mother's Day for her :) The food was pretty good, but the sizzling cakes are not my thing. I like normal, cold cakes I think. All for the sake of experience, it was a good night, I love the lights on the trees. 

In between that, I also got a mango dessert as a birthday gift with some conversations that I would never forget. As awkward as it was, I am grateful to have known you in my life even if I never see or hear from you again. 

As you can see, obviously my love for lights didn't end there. I had a long, nice walk with all the nicely lighted trees. All the lights make me so happy :D Also, I got a rose, drank some champagne, danced to some good songs and got some hugs. It was only a few hours into my birthday but I was already feeling rather blessed.

On my actual birthday, I crawled out of bed after a few hours of sleep and went to class. And after that, Korean food with cell group and an awesome awesome cake! Big thanks to Roy also, for ordering the cake (after introducing it to me months ago) and all . So happy to finally be able to eat it after harping about it for so long.

The frozen mango and the cheese makes it all so good. I made many wishes by then, lets hope all of them come true :D

And then I received a super cute balloon (in a slightly scary way) from my sister that she bought from Japan. It was so cool! It comes in that little package, and then it says hit the middle of the bag and then shake. I put in on the table and then the thing kinda expands and bursts out of the plastic. It was a little scary because no one knew what to expect but its so adorable! Big thanks to my sister who helped put it altogether and made me that big 22 card 💕💕

If there had to be at least one unglamorous picture of me in this post, it would be this. Then I went to meet Ezzie and with my sister we sang Drops of Jupiter and 22 together. Thanks for coming all the way to spend my birthday with me even though you were having a slightly rough day, I love you very very much sayang 💋

On the next day, after a long night of struggling for that horrible test the next morning where we all survived through, and then the long afternoon in the afternoon with our assignments in the cold library, the celebration continues!

With the people that I spend many many hours with in a day and don't know very well but still love very much, with great big pizzas and another awesome cake. Indeed, I feel very much loved. Despite the serious lack of sleep and stress from the assignments, thanks for taking the effort to celebrate for me. Ahh, I feel super blessed.

Then, this may or may not be the last celebration.

Its amazing how much memories we managed to make together in this short few years. Thank you so much for making it all the way here to just have dinner with me.

And for the really pretty emerald necklace :) Green looks good on me, haha.

Introducing them to the 'selfie app' haha. Thanks Daniel for the ice-cream and the heartwarming speech.

I genuinely feel happy and really loved in the last few days. I know it is my birthday and maybe people are forced to be nice to me on my birthday and love me a little more (haha) but I do feel like I am receiving love from everywhere and I am so, so grateful. In all these celebrations, I feel I really do have a problem expressing myself nowadays. I am indeed very happy and very grateful, I just don't think I'm showing it very much. I'm rather lost for words most of the time and I don't feel that my smile is very nice but I am smiling and I love all of you.  

 I am now really moving forward. They say the first step to letting go is to want to let go. And perhaps,
I finally do. 

Breathe, let go, 

and see where it goes.

Sleepless

"Still, we were never more than semi-affiliated, two people who spoke and loved to speak and kissed and loved to kiss and connected and were scared of connecting."

"Zone of ambiguity"

 Warning: Picture Heavy Post. 

In my mind a lot of things have happened already, but that's probably because everyday is a really long day and its been super busy (thankfully). But I was almost reaching my tipping point already, with the biggest assessment and presentation on the same week as my horribly timed fever and unavoidable sadness that runs around my mind like it owns the place, it was madness. I think I almost didn't make it through the last two weeks.

Fortunately, the harder times have finally passes, but the hard times are still continuing. This semester is really one hell of a semester. :( I'm not sure what I feel going through this on my own, but I guess eventually I'm not exactly alone. The weather's been crazy, its cold then its hot. Reminds me of a certain someone I used to know :| 

In celebrating Sook Min's birthday, that was a rather fun night. The live band was great, the food was great, the company was great, the scary glass ceiling was great, but the beer was not so great.

The scenery was great. City lights from high above, always my favorite kind. 

Right after that, it was another week of assignments and work, being in the freezing cold library until night, having dinner with mummy who was here for most of the week, more work, more group meetings. Which brings me back to how grateful I am for my group members this year, no more horror group stories this time. 

And it doesn't end here. This International Business Challenge subject really lives up to its name, its a new challenge every week. Look at our eye bags :/

From there, along with the bad weather, I attended what would most likely be the last prom of my life. I think with all the initially negative responses, most of us were glad we made it. :) 

With all my Prince Charmings for the night, missing one I think haha.

Following that, I call it Part 2, haha. It was a rather crazy night, I left my entire wallet at home, no $$, no ID, no nothing. However, I have this best friend, who is a pretty awesome one at that, we decided to make the best out of the night, and went back home, got changed, rushed all the way to the after party ;)

One picture eyes so big, one picture eyes so small.

I have reason to believe that this dress is somewhat cursed. I tend to end up getting a little too much to drink every time I wear it. At least every single time, I'm sure to have a good night.

I'll be sure to remember all these people in the future, even if our journey would end soon. Good times, good times.

Its still April. I had struggled so long, and its still April.

Its okay though. I am living through every single moment of this journey, good times and bad times, all of it. I better learn this lesson cause I'm not sure if I'll make it through the next tunnel anymore.

Keep holding on, keep letting go.

One step forward finally.

Not seen, not heard, nowhere.

"Death comes in the relentless ticking of the clock, the passing of minutes, the feeling of being torn between wanting time to heal all wounds but not wanting the passage of time to erode your memory of us." --Source

Surreal.

10 steps backwards, 1 step forward.

"The grass always seems greener on the other side.

But who the hell told you to look for greener grass?"

 “Your eyes are the only things betraying you now;
they tell me that you don’t love me anymore.”

;because you take me for granted.

"Your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

Beginnings and endings all rolled into one. The season's changing now and its keeps changing. Its a little hard to keep up, there's so much to do and yet, the same story goes, I don't do anything. This semester's being a tough cookie and I'm not too sure if I'm going to pull through. A lot of things that's been happening that's just telling me one thing: move on. I'm going, but there's nowhere to go to.

Moving to a new place and all, it made things all a little harder. Suddenly there's so much new to accept and I'm still slowly dragging my feet along from the past. 

This place housed too many of my years here in Subang, and all the years that I spent making questionable decisions and collecting experiences along with heartbreak. Its a whole different type of letting go process, moving house is. Looking back, I've moved from house to house for many times already. This time, though, I'm more aware of the nostalgia than ever. But then again, I've never been one for letting go old, comfortable things. 

This.. recognize this from the side of my blog? Its all old and rusted now, almost 3 years ago it was made. Returned and kept aside, now finally thrown away. I'm immortalizing those memories with this post. 

This phone, hahaha. I think I used it all the way till form 5. All the friends I've made with this phone, and all the horrible selfies that I took and the loud clicking sounds that I made when I typed on it. Ahh, those days. 

Distractions are becoming less fun now, I need to good ones to keep me going. :/ Assignments and tests are just making me sadder. I'm not sure if I'm ready for the next phase yet. I don't think we're ever ready. Pulling myself together piece by piece, still looking for the missing ones. Give me my secrets back.

"We've come a long way from where we began
Oh I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."

-- See You Again, Wiz Khalifa feat. Charlie Puth

Rewind, repeat twice.

#truth

 I read this a long time ago, I didn't find a good time to post it before this, maybe there was too much to lose. And now there's none. There's so much nonsense going on. I'm trying to channel my inner Cinderella - "Have courage and be kind." 

Hah. Haha. I think I looked too deep into the movie, its just a movie. And its just Prince Charming, the one who only exists in fairy tales with the happy endings. Reality is a cruel bitch. 

Okay, sorry. Rant over. 

 Okay, don't judge yet. This is indeed a random picture of myself in a blog post that is all about myself, so maybe its not so out of place. And its not a pretend emo picture, it was a candid I accidentally tapped the screen. Furball is one of the best things that's happened to me. It was worth it, to have him back with me. He sits there and rolls around and grins at me in his bright orange glory.

Maybe its a bit too soon,
and I'm still a little too broken.

Can't handle that?

"You made life worth living."

Someday, someone is going to say that to me. I think I mean those words quite often, I just don't say them very often.

I was told some strange things about myself recently. Its only strange because suddenly I felt like somebody saw me. But still nobody hears me.

"What if I had a thing on the side?

Made ya cry?

Would the rules change up?

Or would they still apply?

If I played you like a toy?

Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy

Keep a straight face when ya tell a lie
Always keep an air-tight alibi
What he don't know won't break his heart"

-- Ciara, Like a Boy

Still putting on a smile.

And so I became the girl who leaves, before I’m left. 

But I hope that someday I’ll meet someone who’ll make me stay.

In the arms of a stranger.

I have cried an ocean for you but still your ship refuses to sail.
— Michael Faudet

Sometimes I find myself falling asleep with you in the back of my mind and then I dream weird dreams, all of it about you. I understand time needs some time to do its work, so I'm not complaining yet. One day when the dreams stop, I'm sure I'd probably still miss your face. 

I can do it.

I can do it.

I can do it.

I can do it.

Its been rather tiring lately, and I'm expecting worse to come later. The semester is slowly picking up. The to-do-list is getting longer and my head still can't find its way back yet. Ugh, the struggle is real. Trying to re-prioritize and put everything back in place. Trying to pull my head back to where I am right now, instead of where it used to be.

Distractions everywhere, all I'm looking for is a way out but every exit is just another entrance to another maze. Life is so interesting, all the people and all the lives and all the stories. See what I did there? The optimism I just tried to input into my head? Yeah, one step at a time. 

So, quick update. I've spent quite a bit of time with my lovely best friends, those two who came back Melbourne a bit... cute. Haha. 

My precious support system, the ones who listen and speak wise words and writes lists of bad advices. I love you guys.

Chinese New Year was a rather quiet one this time around, but I think I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. Its sort of nice, sort of peaceful. 

February was a crazy little month. Two months into the year and I'm still finding myself, now more than ever. It was a pretty busy month, I think I need to sit down and find some time for myself and clear up my thoughts again, put myself into perspective. Ugh, its like a someone just pressed the restart button.

I'm gonna bury myself in lots of work and see how the rest of March turns out. Also, in lieu of my recent life changing experience, I did one of the most cliche things also. 

Tried to change up my hair a little :D

Wasting away.

"How are you?"
"Sick of answering that question, but otherwise, like shit. How're you?"

Don't be confused by that quote, nobody's actually asking me anything but I still feel like shit anyway. I can't even decide whether I like it that way or not. My brain just sort of decided to die on me. 

When did it get so hard to be happy? On second thought, it was always hard. I just want it now more than I ever did before.

I'm expecting a series of emo posts coming, but I really still haven't figured out what to do with myself or my thoughts, or my lost pieces of a heart. Maybe there's nothing to say. Its true though, no amount of preparation will ever be able to prepare people for heartbreak.

I need a big, healthy distraction. This will be one hell of a terrible month.

I really miss my furball. 

"I do not feel ashamed"

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way


I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Recently I've been hooked on this song, Bitch by Meredith Brooks, because the word has been ringing in my head over and over again. Very, very brave song. Mmm.

On other news, the semester is finally beginning. I am returning once more as a full time student with an indefinite plan to continue as a part time worker. This will, once again, be one hell of a semester.

Let's go. 

Musings

“We cross our bridges as we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and the presumption that once our eyes watered.”
—Tom Stoppard, Rosencratz and Guildenstern Are Dead

The job's putting a lot of strange thoughts in my head, showing me people and behavior that I've never had the chance to encounter. Looking at the staff, looking at the customers, looking at the managers, there's a lot to learn out there. Looking at each different race, looking at foreigners, different cultures, its all quite amusing. 

I see these Arabic customers and how the husbands always watch out for their wives. Whatever that is happening to the wives, they are watching. The wives raise their hands, the husbands hold the hand for me to tie the ticket on. They make sure that everything done for the wife is done well. You speak to them, they answer along with the wives. They always stretch out their hands for their wives/girlfriends, always let them walk first. They always wait for their wives to come before they walk or go anywhere else. Its rare to see a couple go anywhere without holding hands. The wives are also seemingly mutually always holding onto the husband all the time.

But there's a catch to this, they are also extremely possessive. Some wives don't allow girls to wear the tickets on their husbands, some (read: most) husbands don't allow other guys to wear it for their wives. I've actually seen the wives glare (but not in a threatening way, more like a 'you're touching my man' way) at the girls who are wearing the wristband. Some wives are very cute. But you know what's cuter? Their babies! Omg the babies, they have the prettiest faces ever, so so cute its impossible not to smile at them.
(DISCLAIMER: This is all personal opinion and observation and only spoken in general. There are others who are not what I mentioned above, and that's okay too.)

I've been feeling rather alone, rather lonely. Eat alone, walk alone, wander alone, do everything alone. If I were really to think about it, its not the job I'm complaining about. The job has its pros and cons. In fact, I think its a good job to have if you were alone (oh, the irony). There's people everywhere, there's some good looking people here and there. There's random uncles who flirt at you, there's random boys who check you out, there's random compliments thrown here and there. The security guards seem to like me alot, the foreign workers are really friendly to new faces, the ghost house boys flirt with the girls here and there. There's a lot going on, sparsely, but still.. things like that actually can make your day. Everybody is actually really friendly.

"You're so beautiful today"

"Eh tepi, perempuan cantik nak jalan lah"

Even just, "thank you so much" is a nice thing to hear and it really makes my day. It is a very humbling job.

There's of course though, the people who are just kinda gloomy. Reminds me of me, but I don't think I won't react at all if someone speaks to me though, or if I saw someone smile at me, even from obligation. Then, there's the impatient customers, the angry customers, the bored customers, shy customers. And then, there's those really happy, bubbly ones. Good and bad days when it comes to customers. I think this is what makes it exciting though. Just today, there was these two Malay (?) guys who asked me for information yesterday and I spoke to them in my very broken Malay and today they saw me and they were so joyous "eh remember I tak?", you can see their faces light up when they suddenly realized it was me. It was like a 4 second exchange but yet it makes my day just a tad less miserable.

I think this is a very tricky topic. To think that these people who are placed there to service you, sometimes we think its very easy to overlook them. Like nobody would even remember that you were the one who gave them directions an hour ago. But occasionally, they actually do see you and they hear you and they remember you. That's the reason people do this job, I guess. You can put a smile on someone's face and people can put a smile on your face too. This will indeed be a great experience/memory to me. 

This kind of feeling is the all-famous "lonely when you're surrounded by people" feeling. Hmm. 

"Ahh good, you're already smiling, I don't need to remind you to smile."

I'm writing this post a little too early since I actually haven't finished working there yet. But its okay, I've gotten the feel of it and I don't think I will change my mind.

Indifference is a crime.

 “If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?”

With the new year and all, since it is January, I've fallen into a lot of thought. Thankfully I'm tired enough every other day so far to not fall prey to insomnia, but I know these thoughts lead me somewhere. I have a hypothesis that in January, people are either motivated like a chipmunk (i'm pretty sure that is an inaccurate comparison) or just.. indifferent about their entire year or, more precisely, the previous year of their existence. Well, January really got me thinking weird stuff.

I think a lot of all the things that went on in the previous years, and the previous post didn't really reflect all my thoughts, but its not like this post will (fully) either. 

That quote up there, was particularly intriguing to me. There's all these posts about how precious time is and how it is the best thing to offer someone because its something you can never have back and all. And then I just read this article about how guys (this was a 'how to be a better boyfriend' article, excuse the gender usage because I think it would apply to both gender) should be grateful and spend time with their girlfriends and not give lame excuses like "i'm tired" because she is willingly taking out her rest time to spend it with him, too. And that is something to appreciate. I think I may have scoffed at that. 

As a girlfriend, I have to undeniably understand that statement because, yes, from a human perspective, assuming both of us have our own commitments, I think couples spending time together is a mutual gift. Its so selfish for one party to say "I'm giving you my time and you tell me you don't want to spend it with me?" like as if the other person wouldn't be using their time on their partners too. Actually, I don't even know why couples should argue about these things. Shouldn't two people who love, care and miss each other just sincerely want to be with each other? Why should it be a show of who's sacrificing time, who's doing more, who's doing anything? I think this itself would be a big red flag to any relationship already. 

Also, I think it is important for people to remember, that they can lose somebody any day. Never be so secured in your relationships that you take people for granted thinking they will never leave you, even in the truth that they may never, always treat them as something to hold on to. 

Communication! How is it that we are social beings and yet now we find it so hard to communicate with each other? Sure, we can all play the blame game and pin it on technology. But our minds have changed completely. Since when talking about feelings, or god forbid, having feelings, makes someone weak? Since when do people get bored of having feelings?

I will not have someone throw me around like a toy, I will not have someone who doesn’t enjoy me, I don’t want someone who doesn’t like to talk to me, I don’t want someone who doesn’t think of me, doesn’t think for me. But first, I have to become someone like that.

I just want someone to see me as beautiful. Like.. along with all my ugly, still see me beautiful.

There's just a lot of random thoughts in my head and I can't get them in order. Working in a new environment now, lets me see a lot of people. I would like to hope that this weird, temporary, small job would restore some of my faith in humanity. I see these people and they're just so happy to go in and play, the smile on the children's faces and it makes me feel so warm and fuzzy that I am able to be a part of it. It really makes a different when you smile at them and they smile back at you. Probably this is the joy of the service industry. FYI, since it was never mentioned, I started working at Sunway Lagoon three days ago.

So much thoughts and no place to go. My brain storage feels full, although scientifically it cannot be.  Is it weird that I feel so unsafe? Like.. nowhere is safe and no one is safe?

I used to take pride in practicing apathy. I really, really didn't have any care for most people in the world, or anything at all. I know now how selfish and dumb it was. Indifference is not something to be proud of. 

Forgive me, this post is all over the place. Here's a misplaced picture to end the post.

I made that heart tree. Like it doesn't have leaves but it has a heart. I don't even know what it means. Like.. The heart grows on a tree, so you can grow love? Or the heart is as sturdy as a tree but can still be torn down by humans? Or the heart is placed up in a tree because it needs to feel safe and needs actual effort, such as climbing up the tree, to be obtained?

Hold tight, it's gonna get hard to breathe
And never, never let you drown

Even if we're going down
Hey oh, never let go of me
When I'm sinking.

--Rough Water, Travie McCoy

It's 2015.

And I think, nothing's changed.

Its sort of the 3rd day to a new year now. There's all these quotes about a new chapter and all, some people close the book completely to start a new one. I think its just all One Life seamlessly strung together by time. The years that passes by don't make a difference... most times. This year I have reached my 2nd double digit birthday. Yeah, sure I'm getting older. I wish my mind grows with it too. But the body shouldn't grow, haha, just remain the same. Unless I'll be growing vertically.

It's a (few days passed) new year. Its the time of the year to evaluate the entire year that has gone by, so slowly and quickly and heart wrenchingly and mind blowingly. 2014 was a hell of a year for me, but if I were to really think back, doesn't everyone say that every single year? The thing about the past and present is, when it passes again, we get to compare the past with the recent past. Perhaps the other years were more mellow than the last. 2014 was a whirlwind, tornado, tsunami, year filled with madness. And I do literally mean madness. What an interesting 21 year old I was indeed.

 I just read through my 2013 annual evaluation blog post. My memory was so good then, maybe that's one thing that changed. My mind's decided to focus so much on something, and it just ceases to remember anything else. Not good, not good.

Lets give it a shot.

January. 

Apparently I didn't blog much in January, I barely remember. I guess I was just dating a lot. Siew Min's wedding. Chinese New Year, and that random drive up to Cameron's on the way back. Also I think it was January that I frequented the clubs quite often, haha. I think I was a little like "Whoopee I'm 21, no one can stop me now" for awhile. Just a little. Also the time when I chopped off half of my hair, also the time I was probably very happy. I was happy to start the year of the way I did. 

February. 

Had the most fancy Valentine's Day I've ever had, not sure if it'll get any more fancy than that anymore. Kristal and Jo came back. And it was Chinese New Year, a very new one for me, grateful nonetheless for all the experience and the sort of acceptance from people I may or may not see again. 

March. 

I don't even remember what happened here either. The semester started and I was being lazy. I think I started emo-ing then. Otherwise, I went to see Big Bang at their fan meeting in Sunway Lagoon. I got my eyes done this year... right? Around this time? No idea. 

April. 

The waters got dirty and the currents got stronger. It was just a continuation of constant sadness at the back of my head. Also... went to Malacca on a random trip with mummy. Was I on the mid sem break? 

May. 

I turned 21! Very, very cool surprise birthday party. I actually think its my first one ever. This is one birthday definitely worth remembering, I felt loved. Other than that... I think nothing happened. Just went to classes, being students, normal and all... and I guess I became sadder. It was also here that we got Burnie I think. 

June. 

I think I would call this month as The Month of Heartbreak. Haha. I don't really remember what happened anymore, I was just sad. Very sad, a little too sad. Or in Omar's word "You being too sad, Jill" in his Arabian accent. Everything I held on to was falling apart, I was losing myself, becoming something I very much hated and didn't want to be. Also, it was mummy's birthday. The least of it, I looked pretty that day, and I enjoyed that day very much, this one I remember clearly. Getting high on Somersby with my mum and all, playing games with strangers, seeing her so happy. 

July. 

Very Terrible Month in the subject of my mental health, lol. There was a lot of stupidity, a lot of crying, a lot of trying, a lot of nothing. I wanted to get away to get away from life so badly there was nowhere I could go to. Thankfully it was some sort of holiday and I chose to at least get out of the country to the nearest other country, Singapore. I was very sad, you know. But it seems my smile was still genuine because I.. was just running away. Thinking I was going to come back to something better, still having hope. And we took an impromptu trip to  Malacca with Daddy. Also, July was the month my grandmother passed away. Sigh.

August. 

The Emo Series (#theemoseries) was birthed that month. I spent a lot of time with Zhan Wei, being very grateful for such a friend. It was like a break month from assignments and everyday after class we just wanted to go and 'play'. Haha. If nobody was up for it, I was always the one who was in it anyway. We would go and have the weirdo food adventures and half the time just end up in Pyramid itself. All we did was walk, shop, talk. I also ate a lot of comfort food. Despite my constant emo-ness, he still willingly spent time with me. I took some crazy 3am drives and just... was on my own, although I wasn't very much myself. I did some really stupid things then that my young and prideful self would have totally disapproved. I'm not proud of those weak moments, yet I know what it meant for me. It is not an experience I will ever want to go through again. I was pathetic and stupid, knowing all too well, but not accepting. 

September. 

This was a month of just.. rebuilding myself. Drowned myself in the heavy workload, spent every other day freezing my butt off in the library, came home, ate dinner on my own, maybe cry, and sleep. I never went out, I never met many people, all I did was work work and work. In hindsight, of course I would say now that it was all worth it because my results have been released. I was getting somewhere, I was alone quite often and I was beginning to hate myself less. I was moving slower than a snail in my process of rebuilding, but I was going somewhere. It was just time for me, and my finals. I hung out with my sister, resumed my clubbing experiences, met new people. Also, it was Joan's birthday. 

October. 

It was like September and October kinda merged into one because I was just all either drowning in my assignments and celebrated when they were handed up one by one. I might have also almost died from sleep deprivation. I was halfway better in October, I began to make plans for myself, still lying on bed, insomniac, thinking back on all the things that went wrong in all the past months and making sure I would never go back that ditch again. I went to Sunway Lagoon, made plans for the time I would have when finals was over, reconnected with people, solved a lifelong regret. 

November. 

Finals happened, oh my god. That was a crazy ride. The Return also happened in November. So much confusion, so much feelings, so much fear, so much crazy. Went to Ipoh on the long mentioned and planned a year ago road trip with the guys from uni, it was an odd trip of missing turns and laughs. I'm not close to anyone of them except Zhan Wei and it still gets a little awkward but I'm always thankful that they accept my presence, all quiet and emo together.And then onto Sarawak, my travel plans for after finals. That was a trip full of more confusion, more thinking, slight frustration, too much sleeping. 

December. 

That was just a couple of days ago. Hmm. It was a month of financial crisis, haha. First anniversary up at Genting, very entertaining cable car ride up and first time in Snow World and failing so miserably at entering the ghost house. Christmas time and New Year's trip to Johor. I went to Legoland! And came back with a big, orange furball (!), and sat on miniature roller coasters. December was a struggle, still proving that I have so much more to learn, and so much more to change, and how I can be so much better... but I am not. Its the end of the year, I'm mildly disappointed at myself for not being the best version of myself, failing so many times, hurting myself and other people. 

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Since 2014 was supposed to be The Year of No Repeats, I would dare to say that I have succeeded. I didn't do what I did in the years before, I aimed to be better, which I was, it just wasn't good, and I guess it wasn't good enough. All in all, and in all honesty, I would say that 2014 wasn't that great of a year for me. I'm not blind to the good things that happened, I still know how to appreciate and I learnt many life lessons this year. 

I guess what changed throughout the year is that.. I lost weight. It seems to stand out quite a bit in the pictures too, my face was so fat. I'm already gaining some of it back, but its okay. I learnt not to be stupid (haha! -.-), a little more self righteous, a little less selfish, a lot more stronger. I learnt to protect myself, and love deeper. One very significant lesson I learnt this year... is to ask. Like, you know, ask for things. I still feel like I'm more shallow than I used to be, that my thinking capacity has shrunk and also my kindness has dissipated. That makes me sad, so sad. 

With that said, let's just bury 2014 where it belongs, which is in the past. And look forward to a new year, new things, new experiences, new everything. 

Have a great year ahead. 

But everything's changed.