A decent melodrama

So, hello February.

And nothing has changed. I'm going to be a quarter of a century old this year and I am losing my mind. This is like the infamous quarter century old crisis that I've seen many people go through. There's just something about these numbers that make changes something in your mind. Something, like a little spark that went off in your head at a place that's never been lighted before. Its not a massive spark (like the beautiful fireworks that went off last night) but more like a small bright light that's constantly blinking so you don't forget that its there.

I haven't written in awhile, definitely rusty now.

Chinese New Year has more or less ended by now. Ok fine, its actually like halfway through. These are the kind of occasions that make you realize even more, that we're aging. And its not just myself, its everyone else too. Like all of a sudden, the baby you used to carry can now walk and talk (and scream), and the aunties you were a kid to, are now sprouting more gray hair than before. And then you realise, you're also no longer the kid they used to know. Now we all drive, we work, we earn our own money, we don't necessarily need all that taking care of they did for us back then.

I don't want to grow up. It suddenly dawned upon me some days ago, that I have like many memories. They replay and replay in my head everyday. Echoing my previous post, perhaps I am harboring so much discontentment for my life right now that all I keep thinking about is how it used to be, how I used to be. And as the years goes by, I just have more and more to look back on, even if it was just last year.

"Caught up in the touch
Slow and steady rush
Isn't that the way that love's suppose to be?"
-- Faith Hill, Breathe

I'm not going to lie, there's this constant ache, more like a lull in the back of my head everyday, how I still haven't found someone to call my own. I don't focus on it as much. Just the other day my boss was telling me "Jill, there's two things in life you shouldn't do. One, don't get married. Two, don't have kids." While I don't want either of those things right now, but it just reminded me that I don't exactly have anyone. I laughed and told him that I've been single for a long time now, in which he replied, "Yeah, but you're happy now, no? You're smiling." 

I'm not exactly unhappy, but I'm definitely not happy. There isn't really anyone to share my lack of unhappiness with too. Okay, yeah. I'm always moping about my single-ness, but still appreciating the freedom very much. There isn't anyone I am willing to choose, but funny enough, at this point, there isn't anyone willing to choose me either.

There's a bunch of stuff that's happened, a lot of nothingness. This never ending roller coaster ride I'm on. I've reached my limits though. Every single time it happens I ask myself, how the hell do I keep allowing this to happen? How do I keep letting people treat me this way? How do I stop being pushed around? I am losing my shit again. The horror of my 21 year old self is resurfacing and honestly, it scares me more than the people on the receiving end of it. I'm so scared of that old self, the one I tried to change and bury. Trust me, I had buried that well. Apparently there's a certain type of people, and a certain amount of pain and attacks that can dig that ghost back out. Its like the zombie they talk about. The ghost who came back to life suddenly, usually unwelcome.

I hear myself talk and I hate the words coming out of my mouth. I witness the way my thoughts are twisted and turned and I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the way it makes me as a person. I am not that person anymore, but I guess I am now. How long and how much will it take to bury that again? I think what I hated the most, is that same incident of extreme sense of betrayal and manipulation that made me feel and act that way. I think that to any 3rd person, heck, even the person involved, none of this makes sense. I've gotten quite bad in explaining my feelings, people don't understand, don't listen, don't know and don't care to. I can't exactly explain what's happening. I just think it needs to stop. Please save me from myself, I'm scared.

Today my dad was giving one of his speeches, when we're alone and nobody interrupts him. "We just have to accept that some people are the way they are. If 9 out of 10 people say that you are like this, you probably are. You just need to accept it." Well, I think I have come to learn that this is who I am right now. I do this now, this is how I react now. And this is how people will keep seeing me. Some will appreciate it, some will take advantage of it.

Lol, I'm beginning to forget what I actually wanted to write about. Growing up. Yes. Its just this whole new year thing and growing old thing making me think now about what I want to do, what I want to own, where do I go from here? I feel that push to make a move now, being stagnant for the last few years in my denial that I have to be a grown up. I think acceptance is finally kicking in.

Still waiting for the day I that I will feel that way.

Patience is virtue.