Undeserving

“And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call, she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead”

—Robbie Williams, Angels

See, it's so, so easy to curate a life on social media. This is what we are now, its going to a never ending battle if you try to fight it. Its so easy to take a photo of someone else's drinks, so easy to take photo of bright lights and someone else's conversation, laughter, and joy and suddenly everyone believes you're happy and you're okay and your life is great.

But at the end of the day, everyone's looking at the screens of their phones. 

When you're sad, you post a black photo and have these super small texts at the corner, hoping someone sees it and understands what you feel. When you're sad, you write a short tweet and hope someone stops and looks a little while to understand what you feel. When you're sad, you take a selfie of a tear rolling down your face, and people start to flood your DMs asking if you're okay. When you're sad, you write a vague blog post and hope someone reads it. Anyone.

But at the end of the day, everyone's looking at the screens of their phones looking at someone else's scream for help and wishing someone sees theirs. 

All these are happening, no judgement. I'm here to admit that I fall prey to all these exact things (except the black photo and small texts or crying selfies).

Last night, A Very Bad Thing happened and I instantly became ice cold and my heart feels like its about to explode from extreme palpitations and my hands are shaking from the anxiety but I was with people I can't exactly share my life problems with. Is it shame? Is it distrust? Is it fear? And in a split second I had to make sure I got my expression under control and my voice didn't shake as I try to fake another laughter to be 'present' in their presence. But everything else was happening. Inside, under, everything was crumbling.

So what happened? Nothing. I braced through the night trying to hold it together. But in my desperate need to scream and run, what I did instead, was post a smiling selfie and pretended like I was enjoying my night out with friends I hadn't seen in awhile.

The filter made me look pretty, the hearts made it look like mine wasn't breaking. But as I posted that, I paused for a second, wildly aware that I was doing it. I was doing what everyone else does, it felt like it was the only way I could subtly and immediately express my pain hoping that it alleviates the crushing that was happening just a little bit.

I wondered, why am I doing this? What am I trying to achieve? Am I seeking for attention? Am I curating that perfect life for people to see? Am I trying to call for help? Am I trying to have a picture to remind me of the pain I felt that day?

But the real question is, aren't we all?

And here I am wondering again, is there no other way? When was the last time you told your bestfriend your heart was breaking as it was breaking? When was the last time you had a real conversation about real hurt and real life heartaches? When was the last time I did any of these?

What is the point of this blog post? To some people, I am just seeking for attention. To some people, 'she just wanted to post the nice selfie she took'. To some people, I am just being dramatic. To some people, I am writing down some sincere thoughts. To very few people, I am hurt.

I'll admit, it's probably all of the above.

Sometime ago, I wrote about helplessness. And in that post, I was motivated and strong. I would not let myself feel helpless again, she said. But even in that post, she knew it was going to happen again.

And here it is. 

"I'm not superman, 

but I love you the best I can

I am just flesh and bones"