There is an affinity that I wish I could ignore, to make this as meaningless as it can be. But there's a large black hole of emptiness that is sucking away all the life in me. It's a gnawing loud, big, big amount of nothingness.
So, as meaningless as I try to make it, there's this silent scream that is constantly deafening me. I can't explain this. Just the other day I think I said something along the lines of like feeling lighter, like a guilty weight lifted off my shoulders. But I should have known better. It hadn't kicked in.
But, now it has.
I'd like to say I'm not ready for this, not ready at all. But when am I ever, right? We're going to go through this faking it until we make it. We, being the loud-ass scream in my head and that gaping black hole. It's everywhere, in everything I see and do and feel. Sanity is quite hard to come by these days.
It's here now, the month of May. Honestly, every year, this is the month that I dread the most. And historically, Mays have been the worst for the last few years. I can't remember the last time I looked forward to May. This is the beginning of the reality that I refused. I had refused for almost an entire year now and it's come as a slap across the face.
It's the push off the cliff, one that I might need to soar, but one that could very well kill me too.
"This is not goodbye."
In my mind, all I hear is, 'liar'.
Still falling,
still falling everyday.
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