Just more 'what ifs'

What if I said something? What if I told the truth? What if I stopped playing along? What if I went behind your back and stopped lying?

"All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something"
- Matchbox Twenty, Unwell

I sleep too much, and I sleep too little. And tomorrow's still good for nothing.

Nope, I am still not well. I doubt I would be for awhile. A much longer while.

I saw a glimpse of freedom awhile ago. I hate that I felt that small, small relief. I hate that I am not relieved. I hate that 'normal' is the best solution.

I've been throwing myself a pity party all weekend, please excuse me, it is my blog afterall. I am angry, I am sad, I feel helpless, I feel like I need a voice, I feel like I have too much to lose, I feel like I have nothing at all. They weren't kidding when they said INTJs live in contradictions.

Why do I need to apologize for having feelings? Why do I have to apologize that having feelings sometimes screws things up very much?

你要我說多難堪 / You want me to say it, it is very embarrassing
我根本不想分開 / I just don't want us to part
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過 / Why do I still come across with a smile?
我沒有這種天份 / I do not have this kind of talent