28th April 2020

A good man has left the world today. He was my father's best friend, he was a fun uncle, he laughed and made people laugh, he was jolly and lovable. He was shy and he was gentle and kind. He was selfless, so generous, always smiled. He used to look at us, with those eyes, those eyes that said I have a lot of affection for you guys and I hope you grow up well and have a good life, even though I wouldn't know if he actually felt those things. Maybe he doesn't know either, but I hope he does, that we also have a lot of affection for him, in the words we never got to say and.. I don't even remember the last time I saw him, but I remember him very well. He was always a part of our lives, as little as he was really. He was a part of our family, from way before I even existed. And he will continue to be family to us. 

As I got older, I learnt to see the struggles in his eyes too, sometimes he looked tired, but he looked like he kept fighting, on and on, for the life he wanted for his family. There's so much joy in being around him, he had the power to make people feel loved and belonged - never out of place. 

We love you so much, Uncle (Turkey) Fook Chow.
See you in heaven ❤️

Q1'20

It's almost the end of the first quarter of the year. Actually, its today.

I have a deadline tomorrow :) Here I am, blogging, as usual, with deadlines in a few hours considering its going to be 4am by the time I'm done with this post. I suppose this is a good time to update from the previous post on how my 2020 has actually panned out in these three months.

1. I think I'm doing okay with the blogging part, considering this is the next post and within the first quarter. Small wins! Also, instead of blogging, I've taken to writing in a book instead. Still deciding which one I prefer at this point, hmmm.

2. Oddly, in the last 2 weeks or so, in case I ever forget this in the future, here's a summary to what's happening. The world has been hit with a new novel coronavirus and there is no cure and we're now all on partial lockdown, basically everybody stays at home until the virus infection slows down or stops, and currently as I'm typing this, we are 1 and a half weeks in and I am losing my sanity quickly. So there's the summary. With that said, we've been working from home and every call starts from "how are you" and as I was saying.. oddly enough, I am forced to answer "I'm okay". So that's changed at least. I now tell people I am okay. Good thing is, they can't see my face and I am only lying to a screen.

3. Sweat more. Hmm. I've been sweating from the anxiety of these con calls and these video interviews. Does that count? I manged to do a 40-second plank the other day? I do some stretching now, even though it doesn't make me sweat? We also filmed some TikTok videos which involved practising a 15 second dance over a hundred times. I also did sweat. Yay, I'm doing okay.

4. Sleep time.... yeah, sorry. Sigh, if you consider 'early' 8am these days, then I've made it. Hah. Haha. Nope, I'm still here losing my shit and losing my sleep.

Small wins, okay. Lets look at the small wins.


I'm writing these today, to remember, that we lived in these times. Never thought I'd encounter this and that we're actually..... doing it. So staying at home all the time might have altered my routine, but now I'm back to my favourite routine of waking up when the sun is in the middle of the sky and sleeping when the sun rises. I am losing touch with the world, as usual, my usual hermitting habits kicking in hard. Will I lose some people along the way (again)?

I want that kind of love you do too, I do. Just like you can't find it from me, I can't find it either. You don't know it, but we're in the same boat. My heart... its still not with me. But I will no longer apologise for making decisions that are good for myself. While I'm also out there making all the bad ones. My heart longs for what no longer exists. And it might just continue to any foreseeable future. That's what I have to deal with. Again. At 27. If you're not laughing, I am laughing at myself.

This is the year okay. Bet when the year ends, I would still have the same kind of shitty years that I've been having, just on a different level. Sorry for the resurfacing of pessimism. Let's dial back again. This is the year. Its going to happen this year. Somehow. Someeeeeeehowww. No idea how. I will stop being pathetic and alone this year. Someone will love me back this year. Lol.

Part of me wants to sit back and take as long as I need, but I've already learnt that lesson. There's always a place etched in my life and my heart and my mind for these people. I might run out of place someday. Actually, I think I'm pretty close to running out of place already. That's why the next one... the next one's gotta be it. Or I'm done. Lol who am I kidding, I'm the one who can't choose anymore after this.

Won't you be the last one for me?

I'll still cry for what we're not, I'll still think of you everyday, wondering when you would think of me too, knowing very well that you won't, and learning to live with this pain in my life. I will still wish for you in every wish. I wish for me, and I wish for you. 


So at this point, in another few weeks, my life as I know it is about to change again. I barely got used to this one, but its about to change again. I know no matter how I try, I will never be ready for it. I'm just going to have to go for it, unprepared. That's all life is to me for now. When will it be over? I'll write about the journey when its actually over.

But for now, soldier on.

I'm still trying, everyday. 

I still miss you, human. 

Try

Okay, 2020. Let's try.

First, I gotta try to want to have some goals this year. If I make it past that, I should try to figure out what those goals are. They will likely be very small, small steps to just make me feel better about myself by actually succeeding in this first step. We're going to take super, super tiny, minuscule, smaller than baby kind of baby steps.

 The first, first one I'm taking this year is writing this post in the first place.

I feel like I have actually reached that point in my life - the point where I actually really now have no one to talk to. I don't know if it's in my head, but I'm not really making it up. We really care less about each other now. Perhaps it's all those motivational quotes that I keep seeing on instagram about how we should all know how to stand up for ourselves and respect ourselves and know what's good for us and walk away from everything toxic and all that focus on yourself bullshit. Did it occur to them that by filling people's minds with all these thoughts gives us reasons and excuses now to care less about other people because "we" come first?

Sure, there's a certain amount of "be kind to each other" quotes too. But all these are just confusing. I don't think we're now able to discern between what we really believe in versus all the things that influence us everyday via our multiples screens and the little deceive attached to our hands all the time. Yet here I am, typing this post on the iPad you gave me.

Okay, lets not judge. There's will be no judgement in this post. I just can't figure it out anymore. There's a lot of truth but so much more uncertainty. We don't know what's real anymore. The only thing that's real is that we live in this world now and there's no escaping. Which is funny, because so many people want to escape. We're so unhappy, so, so unhappy. Okay, no. Perhaps there's a large number of unhappy people in the world, but there are also people who are happy.

Then, there's me. Selfishly, and as small as I feel, I sit here within these four walls most days and wonder.. why am I so sad? Why is everybody else so happy? Why can't I be happy? Why am I so, so sad? In my four walls, there's only me and sadness and everything outside of it is happier and better and just.. good. And I am not. No, I get it. Everyone has their own struggles, everyone's tending to their own problems, it's not that people out there are doing better than I am. But I am not okay. Actually, it's been a super long time since I've answered the god forsaken question of 'how are you?' with the generic and possibly untrue 'I'm okay'. I haven't said to anyone that I am okay and successfully deceiving them lol. I can't hide it anymore, I don't want to hide I think anymore, I stopped quite sometime ago. I just don't answer the question I think. And therefore, I have reached the point where I got no one to talk to anymore, because this is my default state and I am not okay. This has almost been the longest time I have been this un-okay. I might just break my previous record this time around - previous record being two years.

But I am not, and I am the only one who doesn't do anything about it.

So, a few of my little goals this year would probably be:
1. Blog more - so I don't lose my sanity in these four walls and not having anyone to speak to who cares enough to hear me
2. Sweat more - I wouldn't even go as far as writing 'exercise' because that's too much for now. For now, it's just sweat more, maybe I need to standing under the sun a bit more, at the least of it
3. Bedtime max 0300 - unless there's a deadline tomorrow or I'm out clubbing or if I'm crying, I still have to drag my ass into my doing my going to bed routine while crying and cry in bed to get myself to sleep

Small, small, small steps.

I'm not going to change my mind about you. 

2019 Recap

It's literally about 18 hours to 2020. I'm not counting, but I can't seem to get away from it.

It's the end of the decade, the end of the year, the shittiest year yet. Yes, every year had been a shitty year, but each year tops the previous. I feel like all I've been doing is counting my losses, and they keep outnumbering the positives. And I can't help but think that I did these things to myself. I did. 

The entire year felt like a series of bad things, on and on, one after another, and yet another good thing happens followed by something worse. There wasn't really anything that was fully good. And at the centre of it all, was me. I was this thing that is good and then followed by everything bad. I feel like this was the identity I assumed this year. Now, cue all the positive quotes you can change your mindset, look from a different perspective, the glass is half full nonsense. Yes, I've heard enough, I don't even know if it's just me being stubborn, or for the lack of trying, or that it really is that the glass is just not half full.

I haven't written much this year. Amongst juggling a new job, my unstable mental state and acute lack of sleep, I didn't have much to say. I found myself loss for words more often than not, and just incapable of dealing with things that it was always better just not to say anything at all. I suppose that contributed to my ongoing and future 'issues'. I've suppressed so many feelings, it's so uncomfortable to show them.

I suppose one lesson I've learnt here is that my communication abilities have become so, so bad, I don't think I should put it down anywhere. If it states anywhere that I have "good communication skills"... yeah, sorry. That's recently become false. I'm not lying on purpose though, I hate that I am this way.

Okay, this was not meant to be another self-depreciating post.

It seems, like a lot of us out there, my biggest accomplishment this year is also just... finishing the year and still being alive. This year, I definitely struggled with being alive and hating it. I still don't want to be alive, but that's another (continuing) journey into 2020, huh. For now, let's just learn to be grateful for this year.

This year, I travelled more often than I ever did. 
This year, I made more money than I ever have. 
This year, I gained a 'friend', someone whom I hope stays friends with me. 
This year, I made friends with more girls than guys. 
This year, I held my tongue a lot. 
This year, I lost something very important to me. 
This year, I learnt once again, how much I could love someone. 
This year, people leave me.
This year, I had multiple major breakdowns. 
This year, I don't know who I am. 


It feels like a journey of self discovery and the only way to do that was to shake up my entire identity and have me question entirely what I stand for and who I am or who I want to be. I flit between being comfortable with my lack of morals and being hauntingly disappointed in who I've become. In some cases, I am confident with the person I am and then in some cases, I am more wish-washy than the sand on the beach. When the wave comes, I just fall. I don't get it anymore.

Isn't this a really bad time to have yet another identity crisis?

This year, I was looking for love in the wrong places.
This year, I am still looking for someone to love, someone who loves me.
Next year, I will still be waiting.

I've never been so tired. Of everything. Of being alive. Of having this life. When 2019 rolled in, I had hope. Like little shimmers of hope here and there. But now, with 2020 coming by, dammit, I just wish it never comes. A lot of people have strong hopes that 2020 will be a 'better' year for them. And here I am just kinda knowing it will continue to be shit and that little shimmer of hope that it won't be - it's fading.

Is this a self-fulfilling prophecy? 
I don't want to find out. 

"I can love you like that

I would make you my world

Move Heaven and Earth if you were my girl

I will give you my heart

Be all that you need

Show you you're everything that's precious to me

If you give me a chance 

I can love you like that"

-- All-4-one

But you don't want me. 

29th July 2019

“Do you think I can have one more kiss? I’ll find closure in your lips and then I’ll let go. Maybe one more breakfast, one more lunch, and one more dinner. I’ll be full and happy and we can part. But in between meals, maybe we can lie in bed one more time. One more prolonged moment where time suspends indefinitely – as I lay my head on your chest. My hope is that when we add up the one mores, they will equal a lifetime and I’ll never have to get to the part where I let you go. But that’s not real is it? There’s no more ‘one mores’. —Someone Great”

Nowhere.

'Cause they ask me if I still think about you 

Only all the time.

16th March 2019. 

I know. I know where I stand. 

But damn, I tried.

I want to change my mind. 
Remind me why I should be alive. 

As is.

But I didn't find that person and I don't say much; but it still feels that way. 

The small Milo box, the single can of Nescafe, the expensive char kuey teow, the funny, big, black and white paper bag that says 'Especially for you', the little heart at the end, betting with my own money, the L-sized grey t-shirt, the black Adidas shoes, the misspelled words, the warmth. 

"When the sun goes down

And the band won't play

I'll always remember us this way."

-- Lady Gaga

It's February. Just reminding myself it's February. And it's 2019. When will I stop being a fool? Why do I say as if 2019 should hold any meaning lol. 

Ok, bye. 

No point

Running low, running out. 

But not moving at all. 

#truth

I'm so tired of pretending to laugh, pretending to be nice and friendly and all around okay. I'm not.

I wonder how many millions out there feel this exact feeling.

"I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you, baby even to your darkest hour,
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you."

I would never hurt you this way. You should know that.

I can't read her

"언제라도 너의 곁에 빈자리가 나면 날 봐주겠니멀어지는 손 니가 잡아준다면 세상 눈부실 텐데
If someday there’s no one by your side, will you look at me? If you hold my distant hand, the world would shine brightly."

This song talks about being someone's best friend, a secret love. 

"너 아니면 나 중 한 명은 바보떠나지도 다가가지도 못하고
You or me, one of us is a fool, can’t leave nor get closer to each other."

I've loved a number of people in my life. They were all real and at that exact moment, maybe I found that I could not love anyone or anything else more. Everyone has that One Great Love, I really can't tell if I've had mine, but maybe if you're comparing every love to that one, then maybe I did. 

It was the best and the worst, all at the same time. 

Some loved me more, some didn't love me at all and some didn't know that I loved them. 

There's absolutely no point to this post, other than the fact that my mind's going all crazy wondering why all this is happening to me and why I keep making decisions like this. 

"If you see her

Tell her that she’s fcked it, I can’t read her

We both know she’s not perfect either

But if she says she loves me, let me see her."

- Lany

what you don't know won't kill you

"So if love is nothing more than just a waste of your time
Waste it on me"

There's a lot of pain in this world. On days where it hits me the hardest, I think to myself 'human aren't made to withstand this much pain'. But are we? 

I'm asking the same questions now.

"왜 사느냐 물었다. 그냥. 그냥. 다들 그냥 산단다.
왜 죽으냐 물으면 지쳤다 하겠다."

Why do people live? Just, just because. People just live.
Why do people die? They'd say they were tired.

Some people choose to live, to go through it all, the good, the bad, the pain, the joy. Maybe these people have the ability to program their minds to turn the bad into less bad. Maybe they were lucky, lucky to have just a little, slightly more joy in their lives. Maybe they got saved. 

Some people choose not to. Some people just can't? Some people just decide to stop feeling all those things, stop trying, stop surviving, no hope, no strength, no choice, no more. 

So what makes the difference? Between these two types of people, between the ones who lives and the ones who choose to die? Why do people live? Why do people die? Do people just live because they got no reason to die? Do people just die because they got no reason to live? Do people stay alive for no reason at all other than the fact that it seems to be our default state? 

Our default state is to be alive. I literally laughed at that statement as I typed it. This statement takes all the meaning out of it, doesn't it? What if rebelling meant to not be in our default state, and that meant to no longer be alive? Are we all just waiting to die? It feels like that's how I've been living. 

“Loving you was dumb, dark and cheap
Loving you still takes shots at me
Found loving you was sunshine, but then it poured,"

It's pouring.

"수고했어.
정말 고생했어.
안녕."

You've done a good job. 

Judgemental eyes and fake smiles

Every moment was laced with some kind of emptiness, in knowing that these are temporary, trying so hard to give it meaning. But alas, it all sums up to nothing.

There is a price to pay, most times I'm willing to pay it. It's not regret, it's a mere wondering of what it would be if I made different choices.

"You lied to me, this is exactly how I imagined it to be, but you told me it wasn't going to be."
"Sorry."

If I went under a wave and never came back up. If I walked out and never turned back. If I was stronger. If I dared. If I did something, if I did nothing.

No if would make me change. The hell is wrong with you, self. Maybe, just maybe, you deserve this.

"I'm sorry I exist." 

Your life would be better if I didn't exist. Heck, my life would be better if I didn't exist. 

"When you look at me, the whole world fades,
I'll always remember you this way."
-- Lady Gaga

Gentle reminder

I'm speaking to the ones with the good hearts, and the ones I've been the good heart to. I've received a lot of love and kindness too, despite all those heartbreaks, those of which I always remember. I remember those moments when I sit alone and my heart is full. That feeling that in that specific moment, you are important. Be it a nice, kind text, an act of kindness, a free milo, a little kiss on the side of your forehead, a tight hug, an offer of the last biscuit, a sip of someone else's favourite drink, the list goes on and on. This is just to serve as a gentle reminder, your good heart, you need to keep it good. For as long as you can. Love your good heart the way you love someone else's good heart.  

*****************

The new environment brings new memories (which will somehow turn bad later) and hopefully distances me away from the old one. Here, I'm more alone, suddenly there's a lot more space. In my deep, dark place, I may get lost here alone, but hopefully it'll make me feel more.. at home. 

In a way, this should be a new beginning. I was so focused just getting out of there I didn't really begin to think of the implications. I only thought of one, but that one doesn't last. Now I'm sitting here in my new chair typing this and I feel maybe I should take a step back and evaluate where this is bringing me. It's like I inadvertently took a step forward in my life and then I'm here and maybe in a few more steps forward, I'd suddenly realise there's nothing here but me, alone. Then it'll become another mission, maybe by then it'll be a race because I'll be older and maybe wiser and then there'll come that wave of 'get your shit together' and I'll drown. 

Ok, drama queen Jill showed up. 

Disregarding all the drama, there are many things to be grateful for. Just needed to ground myself a little bit. All these in-betweens getting the best of me. Is it an innate human flaw to always try to believe that I deserve better than this and at the same time knowing that I'm not good enough for much? 

"There's an art to life's distractions
To somehow escape the burning weight, the art of scraping through
Some like to imagine the dark caress of someone else
I guess any thrill will do."

Just more 'what ifs'

What if I said something? What if I told the truth? What if I stopped playing along? What if I went behind your back and stopped lying?

"All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something"
- Matchbox Twenty, Unwell

I sleep too much, and I sleep too little. And tomorrow's still good for nothing.

Nope, I am still not well. I doubt I would be for awhile. A much longer while.

I saw a glimpse of freedom awhile ago. I hate that I felt that small, small relief. I hate that I am not relieved. I hate that 'normal' is the best solution.

I've been throwing myself a pity party all weekend, please excuse me, it is my blog afterall. I am angry, I am sad, I feel helpless, I feel like I need a voice, I feel like I have too much to lose, I feel like I have nothing at all. They weren't kidding when they said INTJs live in contradictions.

Why do I need to apologize for having feelings? Why do I have to apologize that having feelings sometimes screws things up very much?

你要我說多難堪 / You want me to say it, it is very embarrassing
我根本不想分開 / I just don't want us to part
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過 / Why do I still come across with a smile?
我沒有這種天份 / I do not have this kind of talent

an idea

"You wear the face of someone I loved."

I said your name today. As the word left my mouth, my fingers curled and my insides did triple flips. I'm trying to be polite here, but my soul almost died that day.

**************

I don't think I'll ever be ready for part 2. There's no amount of preparation that could make this any easier to go through. I don't really recognize myself anymore. Like I can't say that I'm proud of myself for making this far, neither can I really admit how pathetic it might be at some times. I can't say that it isn't worth it, but neither can I say that the all this is okay.

So all I am is stuck in my infamous state of being indecisive and selfish and unable to lose what I do not have. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Every good moment is laced with some hidden hurt that's bound to hit me. I'm afraid to laugh because I fear the bad things that will follow. I've been entertaining too many what ifs. What if nothing happened? What if I didn't do anything? What if I walked away? What if nothing ever happened? Am I missing out on life? Maybe. Maybe not. 

I've had reality slap me in the face one too many times this year. So I keep thinking and thinking and thinking.. is this still karma? God, please help me. 

Why do all memories end up becoming bad memories? These days, more and more I question myself, how the hell did I get tangled up in this? 

Bad decisions.
Bad, bad decisions. 

Burning all the numbers

“I want you forever 

Even when we’re not together

Scars on my body so I can take you wherever

I want you forever

Even when we’re not together

Scars on my body I can look at you whenever”

-- Bad Things, Camila Cabello

So, phase 2 begins. I've mostly made it through the first phase with some scratches and earned some scars, but at least I made it? Now it's June, and it's going to go up one level on difficulty but I think at least.. I've taken the time to guard my heart and to rewire my mind.

I believe I will still have these moments where I'll need to recollect myself, somehow gather some strength, cry, break down, breathe, and start all over again.

I have no idea what's going to happen. But, I shit you not, bad things always happen.

This eternal tiredness I feel, it doesn't ever go away, does it?

"The painful scream that I heard last"

What is personal integrity? 

I’ll define this from one of my favourite books. 

1. conforming reality to our words” 

2. being loyal to those who are not present” 

-- Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Everyday, I need to try to convince myself that I do not want that. I don't. But I definitely do not want this too. Sorry, the whining is literally going to continue and continue because it's a daily struggle. I don't really want to 'shut the hell up and pull myself together'. I do that in real life, this is why this blog exists.

Integrity. Loyal to those who are not present. This hit me a little harder than I expected. In this definition, I'm wondering how much integrity do I have? I'm wondering if there are people who are even 'loyal to me' when I'm not present. I doubt. I wish I didn't, but I do. In my self reflection, I realize that this may not be something I fully practice, at least not to the extent that I wish I could. I don't think this kind of loyalty exists anymore in this time we live in. But that's just me saying that I don't have as much personal integrity as I wish I do.

I think the point of this post was that upon reading this, I remember these certain many times that I find out that the people whom I care for (who supposedly care for me too) have not been 'loyal' when I wasn't present and it just hit home a little. Home being the usual place of casual hurt and sadness.

Since when hurt became casual? 


"Every night is a big blur
I can't get a hold of my temper
Ain't no one to depend on
I'm falling down and I'm holding it all by a thread now

This ain't my finest hour
Might see my flaws today
My words are out of order
Maybe my drink's to blame
Emptying all my pockets
'Til I don't feel a thing"
-- Cash Cash, Finest Hour


But most days, I am wondering 'what does it feel like to be in love?' 

Do I talk too much?

"There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move." --Matchbox Twenty

So it seems like the other day when I made the decision to continue screwing myself over in life and it's often I do not understand why I make such decisions. It feels right, but it's also terribly wrong. Which one do I ignore? I'm testing myself everyday, pushing and pushing the limits.

It could be worse, it could be better. We can only wait to find out now. I don't know how I am making such ignorant decisions and yet hoping for the best outcome. I don't trust myself in human judgement now, everybody talks. Says things, do whatever it takes, almost always for selfish reasons. And as usual I am here wondering if there's ever a chance for humanity.

They've thrown out all your things, something I should be doing too.

I would have loved you

I think in time there will come a day when you wake up
and think of me and the only words that will come to mind will be,
"What have I done?"

I hope you regret this.