It’s 2025 now, I’m back. There’s so much horrible, horrible, young, horrible memories in this blog that I just can’t give it up. 

I’m 32 now, life’s still going on. Maybe the real update is, hello it seems I’m not dead yet. I think I’ve definitely become more adult now that I can read back on the past few posts and feel a tinge of embarrassment. But let’s be real, I was really broken and even in seeing that now, is good progress. Turns out I was in remission since 2022? I didn’t remember that. I’m still in remission right now. 

I do, officially dare say, that I am indeed.. old. Very old now, it’s kicking in stronger. I still go to the club, wearing flatter shoes, looser clothing, same friends. Yes, I am still single but I’m a teeny weeny little bit less bitter about it. Well, honestly I’m a lot less bitter about it now. But it’s really about overcoming the loneliness instead. The less depressed I got, the lonelier I feel. It’s not a good switch. Sigh. Okay but I am not here to throw myself another pity party, let’s leave that behind. 

Blossom is still with me. We had a horrible scare in Feb 2025 where we found some tumors in her and I took all the risk to go through with the surgery because it is not her time yet. It is not. She’s recovering, still aging, but still my lovely, sassy, demanding little puppy. Even at 11 years old. 

My sister is also still single, still living with me, still doing her masters. I realize that these are probably things I have never mentioned on this blog before and totally irrelevant. I’m still on the meds, 5 years in and I honestly can’t imagine life without them. My mind still needs this filter, perhaps forever? I’d never be able to overcome those voices in my head. Am still trying. Trying to rely on God and trust Him fully. My mantra this year is probably “if it is not of God’s will, then shut it down.” 

Michelle got married. I’m doing the same job also 5 years in. In hindsight, the stability of all these is probably what got me through. But now, I think it’s time to finally take a step forward. 

Believe it or not, human is still very much in my life. Well.. periodically? lol or just kinda there, always. Undefined. A new parent. New season in life, which still doesn’t involve me. It’s okay. 

Is this still me? 

I have a list of non-negotiables now. Loving dogs is one of them. Human.. sigh. It’s 2025 and I have finally gone back on the dating apps, but no, nothing particularly eventful. I’ve met 2 people, both completely different, but both feels like karma still. I guess I haven’t repaid my debt and I haven’t learnt my lesson. The experience has been pretty eye opening though, still teaching me about what kind of person I am, what kind of partner I want. 

I still want love. People keep telling me that I don’t know what I want. It’s hard to put into words, but I know. I still just don’t really believe that that person exists. But all in God’s time, sigh. Someone who makes me feel safe, and a very, very big and wholesome love. Just like how I love. 

So it’s 2025, I’m starting to really fit into the 30s. Look like I’m in my 30s, feel like I’m in my 30s and love like I’m in my 30s. God will you give me someone to love who also loves me back? God help me learn my lessons. I want to be loved. And I still desire to be desired. 

I've done some travelling, been to some concerts, still a dedicated k-pop fan. Overall, I still sleep a lot. Too much, some people might say. But I'm too complacent and lazy to try to overcome this excessive fatigue that has never left me. 

It probably really is my strongest, most effective coping mechanism. 

I think I laughed quite a bit, danced quite a bit, got drunk enough times (I'm old!) this year, I've kissed some other people, I am in the most minimalistic way, living. But most days, I'm waiting for time to pass by and for the end to come sooner. I guess that part didn't change since 2022 either. But I'm living. I've made so much progress, I am proud of where I am now. Today. But I know, there's still a few more steps to take. 

I don't think this is the year either, human. 

Goodnight. 

"Drink?"

 Well, shit. 2022 is still happening. I haven't been here in awhile, I didn't have the words. It looks like that's going to be a problem. 

Sigh, is that something I have to fix too? Will it be self-inflicted torture if I don't want to fix it? There's no reason to. If that's just some part of me that doesn't work, and I don't use it, it doesn't need to be fixed. Right? 

I don't have a need to use my words anymore. I don't need to express what I feel anymore. I'm trying a little here and there since there's not much left to lose. There is no profound need for me to fix this part of myself. Because there's no need to express myself and no one to hear it (sorry, Mr. Psychologist lol). 

Let's see. 2022. 

"I'm about 80% like who I used to be." 

I don't want to be who I used to be. Of course, that was just a comparison out of need. 

I'm legit struggling trying to make up words here. Apparently, I'm in remission. I had to google the word just to make sure I understood it correctly. It means "a temporary diminution of the severity of disease or pain." 

I'm usually okay, whatever okay means while in remission. Until someone reminds me again what they think I should be doing. I should apparently, 'open up' or 'go out'. Those kinda stuff. Am I still using my disease as an excuse not to do anything? Am I being irresponsible if I'm not making those efforts to "recover"? 

My mother tells me she's glad my sister is doing things cause that means it helps her to be 'normal'. Why? The irony. Thankfully, she can't see my face. Am I angry? A little, yes. Resentful, yes. I'm the one who's not okay. Why doesn't anybody know? It's my fault again, right? Because, literally, refer to the past few paragraphs. I didn't say. 

I'm the reason to my own pain. 

I'm usually okay. When people don't remind me, I'm usually okay. 

Just throwing the usual pity party for myself. Whoop whoop. Goodnight. 

Leaving 2021 behind

There's a slight tinge of positivity in the title of this post that I most certainly don't like. 

But here we are, it's 2022. 

I didn't write much here most of 2021. Normally, I'd have something like a year end summary or something. Not this time, I think. 

It sounds a little petty, it sounds a little positive, it sounds a little pathetic. Leaving 2021 behind. With all that it was. It sounds a little hopeful, that leaving 2021 behind, 2022 might just a be little better. 

I think every year, without fail, it seems to be 'the worse' every time. How many 'worst' years have passed by now? Don't count. 

I've got nothing much to say about 2021. The year felt like a filler year. 

I've spent most of 2021 'fixing' myself, or that's what people might want me to believe. But mostly, I spent 2021 doing nothing. No fixing, no healing, no dying, no living, no anything. And I used this thing living in my head as an excuse to be lazy, to be stagnant, to want nothing and justified the wanting nothing. It's easy not to want much, not to feel much. 

Let's leave 2021 behind. 

Goodbye; I love you.  

Grace

It's July 2021. 

The skies are dark, my curtains are closed, there's a little fly flying around my face, there's no wind, the air around me is still. 

My head is heavy, my heart is a slow. In the current context, this is good news because it means I'm not having another unwelcomed anxiety attack. But there is a very heavy emptiness, a very numbing pain that courses through me.

Things are kinda just... stagnant. We're still in lockdown, MCO 3.0 they call it. In my own selfish ways, I actually hope that this continues. Inherently, it could be human nature to desire progress and change and being able to find direction in their lives, and usually, its forward. 

Not me, though. I don't want the world to move on. People want this for the perception that the future is a better place to be than now. They have this hope that I can't seem to grasp, where the future is somehow a more positive place. It doesn't make sense to me. We all kinda feel that the past is better, and by past, it usually means the memories of the past. All those sayings about the 'good old days'. Won't we look back at this time and say the 'good old days' in 2022 (hopefully, or not)?

There's always good things and bad things and somehow it all coexists and we're forced to live in this whirl or good and bad. As I always said, most people are just people trying to be more good than bad. Some, are the opposite. 

What am I? 

The future isn't going to be better. Not for me at least. I don't look forward to the future, and when (not if) the world moves on, I'd have nothing left to hold onto. It isn't the past I'm holding onto, that's died. But whatever this future is, it doesn't have me in it. 

It feels like I've stopped living since December 2020. But here we are, 7 months later. I'm still begrudgingly alive. Fck. 

There's no update. 

Just this road, going to nowhere. I guess I'm not moving. 

So will I

 Everyone wants to have scars to tell of their battles. 

Like the scars on my tonsils will show how many times I had tonsillitis over the years, how the ulcers formed and left scars on the side of my throat. Like the little nail marks that are on my left hand, when you said no more. Like those scratches that Blossom gives me when she gets to excited and jumps all over me. That was just one visit to the vet. 

All the other hours? The ones that never, ever, forms fully but continues to exist in your mind and your heart when you're crying on the floor of your room alone. Nobody sees the scars in my brain from the way its working wrongly, but maybe, maybe, if you look close enough, you'll actually see them in the tremors of my hands now. 

All of these scars? Do they tell you of my battles? Well, they might tell you how I lost. How I lose, and lose, and lose, and the battles keep coming, and I keep losing, but I cannot fcking die. And I never win. And it just keeps coming. What are they even trampling on now? An empty shell of what used to be a person I was. Now, I am empty. 

These little big glitches in my mind, these hand tremors, these pathetic words. 

I didn't need those people to tell me what's wrong with me, but I guess I did. I may just be this person for the rest of the year now. The meds define me. The scars? 

No one sees. 

Don't write me off just yet

 

But you're so sad.

But you're so sad. 

But you're so sad. 

But you're so sad. 

But I'm so sad.

But I’m going to keep doing it. I’m not scared, it doesn’t matter as much to me what happens to me. I wouldn’t forgive myself, like I don’t with many other things, but I won’t forgive myself if I didn’t do this. It seems like I’m going to think different things every other day on how I’m gonna make it through another day. 

Some days it sounds like “okay just keep doing this”, sometimes it sounds like “you can’t give up, there’s nothing else”, sometimes it sounds like “I don’t know how long I can hold on”, sometimes it sounds like “can everything please stop and I’ll never have to wake up again”. Some days God may tell me “persevere”, if I can hear Him. I heard Him. 

I am tired. These three words are such simple words to really say what I feel, but I feel infinitely more than just those three words. I’m too tired to live now. That doesn’t seem to change. This blog itself has the word tired so, so many times. 

The weariness is holding me down, longer and harder than before. I can’t do anything anymore. 

It’s 7 days into the new year, 7 days too long. It’s 7 days into the new year and I still don’t want it. 

What is the hope here? What am I waiting to change? Fool. I’m just waiting to end. How many more of these posts am I really going to type? Many, I think. So many until there’s no more. 

"But as for me, I am poor and needy;

may the Lord think of me.

You are my help and my deliverer;

you are my God, do not delay."

Psalms 40:17

Do not delay. God, please. 

2020; quicksand

 It's the time of the year again. I'm not sure if I have the ability to review the year, it's been thoroughly painful. 

But the main thought that brought me to writing this post was "It's this time of the year again, and I still really, really, really don't want next year to come". I don't want to hear all that 'next year is gonna be a better year' bullshit. Yes, this year was bad. Very bad. Very, very bad. But believe me, I know that next year will be worse. I believe that from the depths of my very broken heart. 

So, no. I still don't want next year to come. Who the fck said 2020 was going to be the year. Well, it was the year - the worst year. But don't fret folks, the worse is actually yet to come. 

Anyway, please know that when I write these things, it refers to me, not the actual folks in the world. It's a good time to leave the world. God has screwed me over so many times this year. But maybe, the real thing is that I screwed up so many times this year. If God was the one opening doors, I was the one slamming them in my own face. 

Yup, perpetually screwed. It is in my intention to keep this post less.. vivid. Nobody should hear the things that goes on in my head. Not even you. 

The year started with me barely hanging onto a job that I potentially despised, I didn't understand it and I can't do it and I can't do it with those people. Then, it started on a grueling 3 months self-redemption. I tried. God, I tried. My cognitive functions were so far gone, it was merely a dot in a very, very dark black space. I couldn't think, I couldn't speak, I couldn't write, I couldn't read, I couldn't remember, I couldn't function. With the additional stress I had at work in the form of a person who seemingly loved me but was out there to ruin my life if he could help it, I really tried. 

Fast forward to March. Oh god, March. Not gonna lie, while it was heartbreaking to see all my efforts go down the drain, but the relief I felt for having that burden lifted off my shoulders was much bigger. And that was that. I lost a job from heartbreak. 

Now here comes the fun part. Pandemic happened, lockdown and deaths rising across the world. Yes, people were dying. But while they were, I was the living dead. I know its insensitive to say this, but at that point, I'd rather be dead dead. Still do. Just not from the coronavirus. But now, I don't think I care at all how I die. 

Those painful months of being in my own head and the voices were so loud I barely slept and when I did, I didn't wake. I wish I didn't wake. I fully let myself feel that pain, that loneliness, that abandonment, my entire world crushed. There was no concept of night and day or sleep or well, any resemblance of normalcy really. And all I did was watch a lot of kpop videos and binge watch so many k-dramas, I finished 2 different dramas over the course of 48 hours. I think I almost hated all of the dramas I watched during that time. But I still did it. I've always had these little signs of psychopathy. And then I lie there, when the voices get too loud, I cry. And they were loud everyday. I was living through my worst fears every fcking day. You won't remember me, you won't remember me and I won't exist anymore. 

Just like that. Two months. I celebrated my birthday in isolation (eternally grateful to the people who showed up). Hate birthdays, still do. Glimmers of hope, I was hanging on a very thin thread. I did it? I think I did? I managed to make my brain believe that it was never going to happen. Now I have to figure out other ways to continue to exist. Whatever way, whatever the fck it takes. The hell continues. 

June. Started a new job, blessed with a lovely boss, blessed with working from home (its a blessing in disguise) because now I had my own times, but I am also very shit at handling my own hours. So no, eventually still became hell. I make my own hell every time, huh? 

Then, I tried. I fcking tried. Somebody please pat me on the back and tell me that I did try. If only you know what it took for me to get there. It was a strange journey. But in that entire process of getting to know someone else, I found out more about myself. It was like an interrogation all the time, I was always on best behaviour and I learnt more about the skeletons in my closet - and oh god, there were so many. I know now that nobody will accept those. 

But everything came crushing. Sure, I screwed up somewhere along the way. I did, but we got there, didn’t we? Why does the past keep haunting us? Why do you keep letting it? Why can’t you see that the present is going to be much more than the shitty cowards we were? Why are you still scared? I’ll choose you everyday, every fcking day, believe me. I made good on my word, and I’m going to keep doing it. I’m not that person anymore, won’t you change with me? We’ve moved past that. Is this a battle I will never win? Am I always going to lose? 

In between all these, there were some good moments, it was the way you reach out for my hand when we walk, that brief slow dance, that long walk over the bridge, and the little chase we had. There was a lot of honesty, and it was that realization that came too late. I believed you in that instance, even though it's not really true. This is a lie I'll try to find comfort in. 

But this year, I got a dog in my home. Blossom is lovely and she’s a handful and she’s expensive but she’s in? lovely. She’s the darling of my heart and she deserves to be happy. I don’t want to make her sad. 

Now it's December and my life is effectively over. I'm just waiting, just waiting for the cue. That conversation, that push, that sign, that word. I'm ready. 

"I won't make it this time."

So next year. No goals. No stupid hope and no dumb wishes. Nothing. I'm done. 
I can't wait to go. 

Defeated

People do die from broken hearts.
I'm not going to make it. 

Sometimes, not always

 Gotta learn to be okay with being the 'sometimes' and not the 'always'. 

Why are there so many things to learn to be okay with? Learn to be okay with things that we can't change, won't change, can't change? Learn to be okay with just who we are, who they are. Learn to be okay with the past, with the uncertain future. Learn to be okay with how we were treated and how people treat us. Learn to accept that people do bad things sometimes, you do bad things sometimes, I do bad things sometimes. Learn to accept that we are not perfect, learn to be okay that we are all flawed.

Is this the new idealism? Are we just giving ourselves excuses and reasons to be just the way we are? 

I've been having this ongoing dilemma of wrong and right. What's wrong and what's right? If we had reasons, if we have excuses, if we had traumas, if we came from a certain past, if we all make mistakes, does that all make it okay? 

Does it make it okay if you have forgiven yourself and other people have not? Does it make it okay not to apologize? Does it make it okay to 'get over it'? Does it make it okay to never speak about it again because it doesn't matter to you anymore? 

If it matters to someone else, but it doesn't matter to you, does it make it okay? Does that make you selfish? 

If you do something for someone, it's not being selfish. But if they accept it from you, knowing your sacrifices, are they being selfish? So what's the solution here? Someone's bound to be selfish, no? 

What is the wrong and right here? 

Is there no right anyway? Are we all defining our own rights and wrongs? And that just gives us all the more leeway to do whatever we can justify. Then, people's just gotta learn to be okay with your reason and accept it for what it is? 

And what's the alternative? Don't be okay with it and then get rid of it? Is this now the basis of what it takes to 'get rid' of someone or find them worthy enough to 'keep' them in our lives? If we're not okay with it, what happens? Somebody tell me. Are we disrespecting ourselves by accepting things that we are not okay with just because the alternative is to lose them? Is it a loss if we can't accept it? Do other things make up for what we're not okay with? 

Gosh, I hate that I live in this social media, motivational quotes, meme-defining era. I hate it. There must've been a time where there were rights and wrongs and it was based off something more than old scriptures and laws made up by power hungry, selfish men? 

I constantly feel so out of place in this world and in this time and I don't get what it takes. Omg. Do I need to get off social media to find out? Lol, like as if the answers will miraculously appear in my mind if I wasn't infesting my brain with these stupid motivational quotes and preppy articles defined by an algorithm teaching me how to live my life and how to think. 

And here I am putting my thoughts online for someone to read it and question the same things, maybe. Or maybe, give me some answers. 

Or... there are no answers and this is the way it should be. Who the heck defined what should be and shouldn't be. Who the heck made people believe in the ways we live. Who the heck gets to define right and wrong? 

Okay, so thankful I didn't get into philosophy because I would fail and also... I would never sleep. And as impossible it is for me to feel the feelings of happiness right now, I might never feel it. Ever. If I tried to study philosophy. Can you imagine, it was centuries ago since people tried to teach people how to think? 

Now we have our mothers, and their messed up upbringing, and our messed up upbringing, and the messed up upbringing of other people, AND the Internet telling us how to think. 

Clearly, I'm not quite okay. 

"함께 있을 때 왜 더 아름답지 못했는지?

둘만의 노래를 이별 가사로 채우는지?"

--

When we were together, why couldn’t we be more beautiful?

Why am I filling the song for us only with the lyrics about separation?

-- Mamamoo, Wind Flower

I woke up when September ended

 Well, that was that. After all that... this is it? 

There's so much going on, I don't even know where to begin. September was a pretty shit month. I mean, it wasn't actually. But it kinda is. Its almost the end of the year now, and like all the 2020 memes out there, it does kinda feel like it didn't really happen. 

As odd as that is, many things had happened to me though. Many, and not all of them good. I suppose it's at the end of that route, I may find that I gained more than I lost. It is 2020, remember what I said earlier this year? My little stupid goals and unrealistic dreams. Well.. fingers crossed. I'll do that review when the year actually ends. 

This virus continues to terrorize us and while so many people are suffering and dying around the world, I will count my blessings. 

I was quite young when I fell in love for the first time. Maybe I was still young when I fell in love the second time.. now I'm not as young. Sometimes I get crazy and scared and I think about the possibility of me falling in love in my 30s. Well.. its not impossible. I just don't know if I really want to test that out. 

Will things finally settle into a comfortable lull now? I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted dealing with my own mind and feelings and bad feelings and good feelings and other people's feelings too. I'm tired from being criticized and loathed, and feeling guilt and shame and all time low. I know that last part is unlikely to change, but I'd like some form of stability and calm now. Please? 

I don't want to be fighting and searching and trying anymore. Well, now its a different kind of try, different kind of problems maybe? But... better? I really, really hope so. I don't think I can take anymore, I'm all out of life to live already. 

I'm bad at goodbyes. I feel like I've written this many times here, but it remains true. If I had my way, I wouldn't say goodbye to people. Some people. Was this an end of a chapter? An opening to a new one? 

I will make peace with my decision, at least this time I can't say 'it's happened to me' but more like "I did it". And hopefully, this is a good thing. I feel lighter now, occasionally a little empty, but lighter. If only this helps me sleep better. I guess some things just don't change. 

exhausted

Most definitely not. 

"A heart of steel starts to grow"

You make me feel like I need to have my shit together all the time, and I just don't. In fact, most of the time I don't have my shit together at all. 

It's already Q4 of 2020. We're 3 days into the last quarter of the year, it's been a blurry roller coaster ride. Occasional highs, many many dips that flew past so quickly, but also was so low I can't ignore it. Perhaps this year is one of those years where I would look forward to the next one, just hoping the pandemic will be under control and our new 'future' normals can actually kick in and we can be free again. 

Honestly, this whole working from home experience is really the most free-ing just yet. I do like not going into the office everyday, getting up at 8am just to make it there on time. But its also taking away my little social life. I wish work was enough to take my mind off the other things that keep bothering me. 

I don't look forward to get disappointed again this end of the year, it seems like it's not exactly gonna be easy either. In between giving up and letting go, both things I'm very very bad at doing, and opening up? This trio combo is killing me. I thought I was ready, I mean.. I am ready. But I never wanted to let go, I always always want what I want, or who I want. It doesn't just change. 

You've buried that side and I've conditioned my mind to believe it, so we should be okay. We're going to be okay. I'm not giving up my life's mission. ;')

So, this new beginning. Well, it's the first time I've been so open about it. Now I realize that this opens up chances for more wounds than I can probably take. Is it worth it? My mind's playing tricks on me as usual. God, are we done with the karma yet? Are we done with the jokes and the teasing? 

This post is also all over the place and completely necessary, like the many other thoughts in my head. I don't know what I'm doing once again. I know I just want to sleep a lot. This exhaustion has not left me, perhaps it never will. 

가지마.

Relapse

29th July 2020, 1096 days. 3 years. What a ride it's been. 

"...figure out if you want to be on this earth anymore because
the person you loved to death doesn't love you like he use to anymore." 

Relapse. 

But hey, look at me, at least I'm blogging more now. The reason I find positivity in myself blogging more is because at least the thoughts are not all bottled up in my own head, suffocating me. I'm trying to ease myself back to being able to speak the words and express my thoughts. These things are supposedly essential in being in a relationship, so I've been told. Or more like, complained about. Lol. 

But I've had another relapse. I can't sleep again, it's 4.46am as I'm typing this. I have a 9.30am meeting :) 

Unanswered questions. More, and more. 

12th July 2020

I really, really wonder, what do you see when you look at me? What are you thinking when you look me in the eye? 

Today, you looked me in the eye. You did. And I couldn't read it. I don't even know if I could read it back then, but I did. Back then, I was still sure with what you felt while knowing full well that you would change your mind anytime. I anticipated all the situations where you would change your mind.

But now though... what is it? I can't read it at all. It feels familiar, feels... like memories.

I'm just happy to see you, human.
Oh, how I missed you.

_______________________________________

Mini update:

I am 27. The long dreaded birthday has passed. I am forever grateful to God, knowing He is here, and He listens, and His plans for me are good. I know the tone I am using is slightly different from the previous post, right before I became old. But... I made it through (unfortunately) and now I am old and still trying to make it through everyday.

Its been.... okay. Its been pretty okay actually. Of course, there's always that part of me that fears that this is the calm before just another storm and knowing that this bubble will burst and there's many bad things lurking around the corner just out there to get me because nothing good lasts long.

But I am trying my best to live just right in the moment and be so grateful for every good moment that occurs, trying not to jinx it with my negativity.

I've started a new job, I'm officially not useless anymore. Its been a month (in 2 days) and I'm making some progress. I'm happy with my progress, not too sure how my boss sees it. I am super grateful for a kind, calm, friendly boss. That's just what I've been praying for. I am so grateful for the encouragement and I am trying my best to put my best work forward and making sure I deserve all these things I'm receiving in return, not just the pay, but also the kindness that I've been shown.

I know that most times, these things are a given. I guess I'm still recovering from that previous trauma and its just hard to believe that these things can happen to me and can be real.

The last 3 months have been difficult, empty, just a whole bunch of nothingness. I was drowning in my own thoughts, unable to communicate, finding out that I have no one really to talk to about these things and... it was just me, in my four walls, within my own mind.

Its not to say I am completely out of that dark place, but at least I am seeing some ray of lights. I have reached the point that I want to fill the emptiness, just not sure with what, or how. I.. want something (read: someone) I can love. Preferably who loves me back. I'd like to get a dog. But I can't..... so I'll have to settle for something else.

Fingers crossed, I hope the rest of the year will still be in these little rays of light.

Not

It's a day before my 27th birthday.

Still feels shitty. It's been a couple of years since I've started to hate birthdays, my own specifically.

Should I say something? Or should I not? Nothing is going to happen either way. 아플 뿐이야. 정말 생일이 싫어. 

Ahh.. 27. What a number. Yes, it is just a number I suppose. Times like these are the ones that remind you of what you have, and what you don't, in your life at a certain age. I know, it's not age that defines how much we should have achieved, or not achieved. It's no difference which age you do anything in. But here I am, hours and days just passing by, and me letting it. Making absolutely no difference in the world, for myself, or anyone else, and doing absolutely nothing useful.

This guilt-laced 'rest'. Is it even rest? Why do I feel so guilty? It's like I didn't do anything to deserve this rest. What did I ever do in this life that I should 'rest'? But why am I so tired all the time if it always feels like I'm doing nothing, achieved nothing, worked (or not worked) for nothing? Nothing comes out of it. And then here we are, me being completely unaware of the time passing. But worse, I don't really care.

And then suddenly I'm turning 27 and.. it's all still the same. The same kind of emptiness, the same kind of resentment, the same kind of hopelessness, just like the years before.

This virus has cheated months of my life. But let's be honest here, I'm the culprit. I'm just using the virus and the lockdown as an excuse. This rest? While I am grateful for the timing, and the anxiety it's caused me, I am the one sitting on my own ass everyday, letting all the days pass me by and... feeling guilty. What's funny is that this is exactly what's taking away my 'rest', isn't it?

Yes, we're all struggling. Soon I'll be 27 and struggling. 27 and single. 27 and alone.

And here I am using the lockdown as an excuse too, its stolen months of possibility and opportunity from me, to not be single. But who am I kidding? I'd still be. 난 너만 원해. 변하지 않을 것이다. 

There's no rest within me. What's it going to take for that day to come? In the coffin? Assuming there'll be coffins in our 'new normal'. Well.. there are coffins, just no wakes right. No, there's people that have to come and cry and hurt when I'm gone. Well.. that's presumptuous of me to think that they would care enough to at all. 

내 생일 일 때 난 모든 걸 싫어해. 인생은별로 없다.

But! I have to be very grateful, for the kind wishes that might come in, for those who remember, for the people who are willing to spend time with me and celebrate for me. I am. I am, still. I will be. But if I can have just one minute of honesty here, I would still hate my own birthday and I would still resent the fact that I have to pretend to smile and be happy and grateful while absolutely hating it in my mind. I'm sorry, and I hate that I have to be sorry.

I learnt, once again, that the world continues to turn, and people will continue to live their lives, without you in it. That's what happens when you step out of people's lives, willingly or not. 아프다, 아주 많이. 

Happy 27th Birthday, self, in advance. 

나를 기억 해줘.

나는 너 존재하지 않는 세상을 싫어해, 지금처럼.

See you in heaven

28th April 2020

A good man has left the world today. He was my father's best friend, he was a fun uncle, he laughed and made people laugh, he was jolly and lovable. He was shy and he was gentle and kind. He was selfless, so generous, always smiled. He used to look at us, with those eyes, those eyes that said I have a lot of affection for you guys and I hope you grow up well and have a good life, even though I wouldn't know if he actually felt those things. Maybe he doesn't know either, but I hope he does, that we also have a lot of affection for him, in the words we never got to say and.. I don't even remember the last time I saw him, but I remember him very well. He was always a part of our lives, as little as he was really. He was a part of our family, from way before I even existed. And he will continue to be family to us. 

As I got older, I learnt to see the struggles in his eyes too, sometimes he looked tired, but he looked like he kept fighting, on and on, for the life he wanted for his family. There's so much joy in being around him, he had the power to make people feel loved and belonged - never out of place. 

We love you so much, Uncle (Turkey) Fook Chow.
See you in heaven ❤️

Q1'20

It's almost the end of the first quarter of the year. Actually, its today.

I have a deadline tomorrow :) Here I am, blogging, as usual, with deadlines in a few hours considering its going to be 4am by the time I'm done with this post. I suppose this is a good time to update from the previous post on how my 2020 has actually panned out in these three months.

1. I think I'm doing okay with the blogging part, considering this is the next post and within the first quarter. Small wins! Also, instead of blogging, I've taken to writing in a book instead. Still deciding which one I prefer at this point, hmmm.

2. Oddly, in the last 2 weeks or so, in case I ever forget this in the future, here's a summary to what's happening. The world has been hit with a new novel coronavirus and there is no cure and we're now all on partial lockdown, basically everybody stays at home until the virus infection slows down or stops, and currently as I'm typing this, we are 1 and a half weeks in and I am losing my sanity quickly. So there's the summary. With that said, we've been working from home and every call starts from "how are you" and as I was saying.. oddly enough, I am forced to answer "I'm okay". So that's changed at least. I now tell people I am okay. Good thing is, they can't see my face and I am only lying to a screen.

3. Sweat more. Hmm. I've been sweating from the anxiety of these con calls and these video interviews. Does that count? I manged to do a 40-second plank the other day? I do some stretching now, even though it doesn't make me sweat? We also filmed some TikTok videos which involved practising a 15 second dance over a hundred times. I also did sweat. Yay, I'm doing okay.

4. Sleep time.... yeah, sorry. Sigh, if you consider 'early' 8am these days, then I've made it. Hah. Haha. Nope, I'm still here losing my shit and losing my sleep.

Small wins, okay. Lets look at the small wins.


I'm writing these today, to remember, that we lived in these times. Never thought I'd encounter this and that we're actually..... doing it. So staying at home all the time might have altered my routine, but now I'm back to my favourite routine of waking up when the sun is in the middle of the sky and sleeping when the sun rises. I am losing touch with the world, as usual, my usual hermitting habits kicking in hard. Will I lose some people along the way (again)?

I want that kind of love you do too, I do. Just like you can't find it from me, I can't find it either. You don't know it, but we're in the same boat. My heart... its still not with me. But I will no longer apologise for making decisions that are good for myself. While I'm also out there making all the bad ones. My heart longs for what no longer exists. And it might just continue to any foreseeable future. That's what I have to deal with. Again. At 27. If you're not laughing, I am laughing at myself.

This is the year okay. Bet when the year ends, I would still have the same kind of shitty years that I've been having, just on a different level. Sorry for the resurfacing of pessimism. Let's dial back again. This is the year. Its going to happen this year. Somehow. Someeeeeeehowww. No idea how. I will stop being pathetic and alone this year. Someone will love me back this year. Lol.

Part of me wants to sit back and take as long as I need, but I've already learnt that lesson. There's always a place etched in my life and my heart and my mind for these people. I might run out of place someday. Actually, I think I'm pretty close to running out of place already. That's why the next one... the next one's gotta be it. Or I'm done. Lol who am I kidding, I'm the one who can't choose anymore after this.

Won't you be the last one for me?

I'll still cry for what we're not, I'll still think of you everyday, wondering when you would think of me too, knowing very well that you won't, and learning to live with this pain in my life. I will still wish for you in every wish. I wish for me, and I wish for you. 


So at this point, in another few weeks, my life as I know it is about to change again. I barely got used to this one, but its about to change again. I know no matter how I try, I will never be ready for it. I'm just going to have to go for it, unprepared. That's all life is to me for now. When will it be over? I'll write about the journey when its actually over.

But for now, soldier on.

I'm still trying, everyday. 

I still miss you, human. 

Try

Okay, 2020. Let's try.

First, I gotta try to want to have some goals this year. If I make it past that, I should try to figure out what those goals are. They will likely be very small, small steps to just make me feel better about myself by actually succeeding in this first step. We're going to take super, super tiny, minuscule, smaller than baby kind of baby steps.

 The first, first one I'm taking this year is writing this post in the first place.

I feel like I have actually reached that point in my life - the point where I actually really now have no one to talk to. I don't know if it's in my head, but I'm not really making it up. We really care less about each other now. Perhaps it's all those motivational quotes that I keep seeing on instagram about how we should all know how to stand up for ourselves and respect ourselves and know what's good for us and walk away from everything toxic and all that focus on yourself bullshit. Did it occur to them that by filling people's minds with all these thoughts gives us reasons and excuses now to care less about other people because "we" come first?

Sure, there's a certain amount of "be kind to each other" quotes too. But all these are just confusing. I don't think we're now able to discern between what we really believe in versus all the things that influence us everyday via our multiples screens and the little deceive attached to our hands all the time. Yet here I am, typing this post on the iPad you gave me.

Okay, lets not judge. There's will be no judgement in this post. I just can't figure it out anymore. There's a lot of truth but so much more uncertainty. We don't know what's real anymore. The only thing that's real is that we live in this world now and there's no escaping. Which is funny, because so many people want to escape. We're so unhappy, so, so unhappy. Okay, no. Perhaps there's a large number of unhappy people in the world, but there are also people who are happy.

Then, there's me. Selfishly, and as small as I feel, I sit here within these four walls most days and wonder.. why am I so sad? Why is everybody else so happy? Why can't I be happy? Why am I so, so sad? In my four walls, there's only me and sadness and everything outside of it is happier and better and just.. good. And I am not. No, I get it. Everyone has their own struggles, everyone's tending to their own problems, it's not that people out there are doing better than I am. But I am not okay. Actually, it's been a super long time since I've answered the god forsaken question of 'how are you?' with the generic and possibly untrue 'I'm okay'. I haven't said to anyone that I am okay and successfully deceiving them lol. I can't hide it anymore, I don't want to hide I think anymore, I stopped quite sometime ago. I just don't answer the question I think. And therefore, I have reached the point where I got no one to talk to anymore, because this is my default state and I am not okay. This has almost been the longest time I have been this un-okay. I might just break my previous record this time around - previous record being two years.

But I am not, and I am the only one who doesn't do anything about it.

So, a few of my little goals this year would probably be:
1. Blog more - so I don't lose my sanity in these four walls and not having anyone to speak to who cares enough to hear me
2. Sweat more - I wouldn't even go as far as writing 'exercise' because that's too much for now. For now, it's just sweat more, maybe I need to standing under the sun a bit more, at the least of it
3. Bedtime max 0300 - unless there's a deadline tomorrow or I'm out clubbing or if I'm crying, I still have to drag my ass into my doing my going to bed routine while crying and cry in bed to get myself to sleep

Small, small, small steps.

I'm not going to change my mind about you. 

2019 Recap

It's literally about 18 hours to 2020. I'm not counting, but I can't seem to get away from it.

It's the end of the decade, the end of the year, the shittiest year yet. Yes, every year had been a shitty year, but each year tops the previous. I feel like all I've been doing is counting my losses, and they keep outnumbering the positives. And I can't help but think that I did these things to myself. I did. 

The entire year felt like a series of bad things, on and on, one after another, and yet another good thing happens followed by something worse. There wasn't really anything that was fully good. And at the centre of it all, was me. I was this thing that is good and then followed by everything bad. I feel like this was the identity I assumed this year. Now, cue all the positive quotes you can change your mindset, look from a different perspective, the glass is half full nonsense. Yes, I've heard enough, I don't even know if it's just me being stubborn, or for the lack of trying, or that it really is that the glass is just not half full.

I haven't written much this year. Amongst juggling a new job, my unstable mental state and acute lack of sleep, I didn't have much to say. I found myself loss for words more often than not, and just incapable of dealing with things that it was always better just not to say anything at all. I suppose that contributed to my ongoing and future 'issues'. I've suppressed so many feelings, it's so uncomfortable to show them.

I suppose one lesson I've learnt here is that my communication abilities have become so, so bad, I don't think I should put it down anywhere. If it states anywhere that I have "good communication skills"... yeah, sorry. That's recently become false. I'm not lying on purpose though, I hate that I am this way.

Okay, this was not meant to be another self-depreciating post.

It seems, like a lot of us out there, my biggest accomplishment this year is also just... finishing the year and still being alive. This year, I definitely struggled with being alive and hating it. I still don't want to be alive, but that's another (continuing) journey into 2020, huh. For now, let's just learn to be grateful for this year.

This year, I travelled more often than I ever did. 
This year, I made more money than I ever have. 
This year, I gained a 'friend', someone whom I hope stays friends with me. 
This year, I made friends with more girls than guys. 
This year, I held my tongue a lot. 
This year, I lost something very important to me. 
This year, I learnt once again, how much I could love someone. 
This year, people leave me.
This year, I had multiple major breakdowns. 
This year, I don't know who I am. 


It feels like a journey of self discovery and the only way to do that was to shake up my entire identity and have me question entirely what I stand for and who I am or who I want to be. I flit between being comfortable with my lack of morals and being hauntingly disappointed in who I've become. In some cases, I am confident with the person I am and then in some cases, I am more wish-washy than the sand on the beach. When the wave comes, I just fall. I don't get it anymore.

Isn't this a really bad time to have yet another identity crisis?

This year, I was looking for love in the wrong places.
This year, I am still looking for someone to love, someone who loves me.
Next year, I will still be waiting.

I've never been so tired. Of everything. Of being alive. Of having this life. When 2019 rolled in, I had hope. Like little shimmers of hope here and there. But now, with 2020 coming by, dammit, I just wish it never comes. A lot of people have strong hopes that 2020 will be a 'better' year for them. And here I am just kinda knowing it will continue to be shit and that little shimmer of hope that it won't be - it's fading.

Is this a self-fulfilling prophecy? 
I don't want to find out. 

"I can love you like that

I would make you my world

Move Heaven and Earth if you were my girl

I will give you my heart

Be all that you need

Show you you're everything that's precious to me

If you give me a chance 

I can love you like that"

-- All-4-one

But you don't want me. 

29th July 2019

“Do you think I can have one more kiss? I’ll find closure in your lips and then I’ll let go. Maybe one more breakfast, one more lunch, and one more dinner. I’ll be full and happy and we can part. But in between meals, maybe we can lie in bed one more time. One more prolonged moment where time suspends indefinitely – as I lay my head on your chest. My hope is that when we add up the one mores, they will equal a lifetime and I’ll never have to get to the part where I let you go. But that’s not real is it? There’s no more ‘one mores’. —Someone Great”